It's been a hot two years

 

Yeah, in a way, I'm finally back.

Yeah, I'm sorry for abandoning this blog for 2 two years. 

It's just a lot happened in the past 3 years.

Mainly, it's the pandemic. 

Boy, that hasn't been fun for me at all. 

I'm just going to be honest here because I promised myself that I'd be honest here.

The truth is, the pandemic was my worst nightmare.

I have always been a person who was anxious and my anxiety mainly was triggered by health related things.

I was often sick in my younger toddler years. Although I don't particularly remember most of it, I think it stuck to me. I think the effects are clear. 

So the pandemic was my worst nightmare come true.

It's a little insane to have your worst nightmare and worst fear come true. 

The stories you tell yourself when you were a kid. The fear you had. The biggest exaggeration of it. Most people can ignore theirs and say it won't come true.

But mine did. 

And it's a funny, funny thing.

Well, less funny and more traumatic.

But in hindsight, I can look at it and say it's funny. 

I'll never forget how the pandemic first came. It was absolutely scary.

I remember reading about that news in China. I hoped that only people who went to the market got it. But when it spread to people who didn't even go to the market. I knew it was far too late. 

I knew it was coming. 

I remember all my alarms ringing. I remember wanting to scream. But in reality, I froze. And I was one of the first to begin risk mitigating. 

But it was a difficult thing to watch a nightmare come true. To watch it sweep country after country. And soon, even my country was hit with it. 

I was privileged and I got to work from home in that pandemic 2nd half period. My job was secure and I was paid. I didn't have to worry about finances.

But that didn't mean I wasn't worried about covid itself.

Man, my mental health spiralled. I was not okay but I was trying to be okay because I was in a safe position. But still, I wasn't okay. I was so so scared.

And then the vaccines came.

I was one of the first to go get the vaccine because I was a paranoid person.

The vaccine was a breath of relief. A shot of life. A shot of peace of mind. A tiny bit. But it was better than being constantly worried. 

Anyway, watching my nightmare come true and live through it every day does change you.

I truly am a different person.

I wouldn't dare claim I'm stronger.

But because I faced my deepest darkest fears, nothing quite scare me too much.

I'm less interested in not offending people and not putting myself or my health first.

I'm less interested in pleasing people.

It's liberating to be oneself unapologetic even if it means making many people unpleasant. But if the people feels unpleasant, that's on them, not me. 

I no longer want to play along and be polite when I feel not comfortable.

I no longer want to rob myself of my own comfort.

I'm done with all of that.

That's my resolve.

My health matters.

I will still mitigate the risks with the best of my abilities. Even if people call me a crazy person. 

Yeah, I'm not the same person that I am.