The Tales of Carmensakura

This year, I will be turning 21 years old. Legally, it means that I am an adult now. A real adult that the law can prosecute if I did any crime. But turning 21 scares me. I know that it's just a number but it isn't just a number to me. I will be an adult soon. And I guess, I don't want to grow up. I see friends of the same age as me having jobs, graduated or working and studying at the same time.  I feel like they are in a whole different universe from me. I feel like I am not there yet and I don't want to be there. Yes, I am currently studying but I do have loads of fun. I read, write and go on the internet alot. I enjoy getting so involve in a story that nothing else matters and reality melts away. I enjoy ranting on the internet about stupid silly things. I enjoy watching the same stupid videos on the internet that I have watched a million times. I enjoy being in my own head. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to have responsibili...

Fear exists. And it lurks in the dark. It comes in silent moments and it grips by your throat. In that moment, fear is all you hear, see and feel. It's real. And right now, that is what I feel. I'm scared. My exams are coming closer and that is what scares me. What if I fail? What if I fall? What if all I am ever good for in life is falling? And that fear is crushing. But as much as fear exists, I have to do my best. So even if I do fall, at least, I won't regret it. I'm scared. And I am absolutely confused but that is life. And I have to simply go on.

I fell sick. Well, actually, I am still sick. And it's because of this, I am reminded of how much I hate being sick. Your brain is fuzzy. Your body is weak. My temper gets bad. Obviously, my studies went down the drain. I wasted an entire week and I am still sick.  That makes me mad. Because I know that the exam is coming closer and I have only wasted time. I am still utterly completely unprepared. Yup, my exam stress is coming. I can feel it. That is why I am in no mood for any shit right now. I am quarantining myself until the exam ends. Time only moves forward and wasted time won't ever come back. And that's life.

I know that I should stop creating new blogs. I mean, I have a hard time maintaining this blog and another one. I do not need a new one. I am thinking hard if I should keep it. Oh well. What do you think?

Well, the exam is in May. And all I can say is that it's getting closer and I must admit that it stresses me. But it's time to study. LET'S DO THIS~~!

This is going to be a long post. Let me just warn you. So yea. Well, I take Sociology and this subject makes me feel very intelligent. It is a subject that forces me to think and to question about our world and our interactions. I really like that. And a lot of theories make sense. I really like reading about the old theories from dead philosophers and sociologists. It makes me feel like they aren't really dead and that their theories keep them alive and if I close my eyes, I can almost feel that they are right beside me. Sometimes, I wish these great philosophers or sociologists were still alive because I would have loved to be their student. Other than that, I would read these theories and I would completely understand their point of view with that theories. I would agree with their theories and for a moment, it feels like I am talking to dead. It's crazy. But this subject makes me feel this way. Sociology also makes me feel very philosophical. It challenges me in ...

I know school just started but I can't stop thinking about the three months break that will happen in June. Summer break. Recently, I just been wondering what I should do during the summer break and I begun making a list. And hopefully, it's a list that I can cut off. I am very tired of making lists only to watch it not happen. Anyhow, the exam in May, before the summer break is very important to me. If I fail it, it means, I am not capable enough for this course and I would probably quit this course. What I will do after that? I am not sure. And that is why, for this May exam, I have to be serious and I really have to do my best. Unfortunately, that isn't working out too well right now. I mean, I haven't quite practiced my past years eventhough I should be. Other than that, I think I am relatively alright. But then again, that maybe an illusion. Anyhow, I don't why but I really can't stop thinking of the summer break. And this is a short list of...