The Tales of Carmensakura

Before I start, I want to warn you that this is gonna be a long post filled with possible anger, rants and just emotions. So yea. Beware~! Anyway, I was just thinking about the past again because someone mentioned a name from the past that I haven't heard in a long, long while. So, that obviously brought me back to high school times because that was when it happened. Like I said before in the past, I wasn't a fan of high school because I had some tough times there but to say that it was all bad is false. Because I did have good times. It's a bittersweet time.  So I was just thinking about my ex-best friend. To be honest, for a while, I felt that I have moved on because I felt like I have forgiven her and it didn't hurt anymore when I thought of her. And then, one day, she got tagged in a mutual friend's facebook post so she was on my facebook timeline. Looking at it, I felt somewhat hurt and attacked. Suddenly, I realise that maybe I haven't moved o...

With the recent news, it's obvious that the world is in a lot of pain, sadness and grief.  As much as I feel this sadness, pain and grief, I choose against it. What do I mean by that? What I'm trying to say is I choose kindness and love. I choose to spread kindness and love. I choose to be positive. I choose to be optimistic. I choose to be kind. I know some might say, aren't you just ignoring the pain and sadness?  That's not true. I'm not ignoring. I'm just saying that there's already too much pain, sadness and grief. And I don't want to perpetuate that.  For example, the recent thing that happened in Paris, France. It's such sad news. People are outraged and shock. I understand that. But to suddenly condemn all muslims? That's not fair at all. Instead of hating muslims, I think we should be united and show kindness to the victims and one another. Because I think being kind and showing love says that, you are stronger than ...

I'm gonna warn you from the very start. This is gonna be a long post. So yea. I warned you~! Anyway, with that out of the way, I can finally start. This is going to be a post that I'm going to be raw and real as possible. Honestly, it's a little hard to write because it means thinking about old wounds again. But I need to do this. This is the only way I can finally let it go and be completely whole again. I meant this to be a diary post but I decided, I might as well write it here because there is no harm in that. Because this is a story of a recovery. A story where wounds heal and you can be whole again. So this is empowering. And I think this is something the world needs more of.  Because we hear stories of how people heal but we never hear how long they took and what it took. And how much pain they endured in that time. Because society just likes to hear the pretty part, the part where they are healed. But of course, some people record their struggle. But not ...

I found this song randomly on the internet. And I found that I really like it. I couldn't exactly pin point why I like it at first. And then, through, the lyrics, I suddenly saw why. Funnily enough, this song managed to say exactly how I felt in the past. A long time ago. It was so long ago, that even I almost forgot about it. This song says exactly how I used to feel. It's weird though. It's so long ago. And this song seems to be stirring something old and odd in me. I can't quite make it out. I been listening to it non-stop, hoping that it will inspire me or something. Because this song makes me feel like inspiration is coming. But at the same time, I can't help that inspiration won't come from this song. If anything, maybe, this song is just reminding me how I used my old ugly dark emotions as an inspiration. This song makes me want to write about something dark but sadly, I am no longer at that part of my life so I can't write some...

Music conveys a lot. And for me, there's often a few songs that I relate to or managed to say a situation that I went through before really well. I just found a song that managed to say a situation that I felt before really well. A song that I really connected to on a spiritual level. I haven't found a song that ever talked about a situation like this before so this song is the first and it suits it really well too. I embedded the video here. However, do ignore the video because it is a little weird. Even I can't watch it. I just listen to the music but ignore the video completely. I am going to paste the translation lyrics here. The seasons die out, one after another; the voice of death becomes wind A man not susceptible to the charms of the city looks up at the moon and notices how unrefined it all is. In a life stuck in mud, the rain itself tastes of alcohol With eyes filled with apathy as they wander the city, I’m an innocent man acting suspiciousl...

I do admit that sometimes emotions are messy, annoying and loud. I do understand why some people might hate their emotions or having emotions.  However for me, I have never truly hated my emotions. Personally, I have always liked to sit down and pick my emotions out bit by bit.  I like to try to understand why I feel a certain way and sometimes, that helps to give me back some control. That's why most of the times, I understand why I feel a certain way. When I am aware why I feel a certain way, I can sometimes slowly change my own emotions consciously. However, there are times when the emotion is so overwhelming that even though I understand why I feel this way, there is still no way to relief myself from these emotions. This is where I feel extremely lucky that I write. I still remember a period in my life where I was extremely upset and at that point, I didn't really quite understand why. But I wrote. I remember carving out my emotions and inserting them ...

Well, I find twenties a difficult age. I know I only recently 21 and it's still very early on in my twenties but still I find it difficult. It feels like puberty all over again, oddly enough. When I turned 20, things didn't seem so bad. It wasn't great but it wasn't bad either. It was alright.  But turning 21 was slightly more crappy. 21, it means that you are legally an adult. Well, I don't feel like an adult. I don't feel like I know what I am doing. I don't feel like I am even in control of my life. And that just makes me so mad. I feel like the least I should do at this age, is to know have control over my own life. To feel like I am the master of my destiny. But I don't feel like that. I feel like I am stuck in an ugly rut.  So I just need time to myself to try to figure myself out. Because right now, it's pretty interesting. One minute, I feel alright. And the next, I feel like crap. It also doesn't help that the e...

I was just wondering about the time in high school and how some of them were my darkest hours. Then, I realized that I almost forgotten how my darkest hours felt. And it's scary to know that I have somewhat forgotten these dark lonely moments felt. I vowed to myself, years ago, that I will always remember so that I will always know that darkness do exist and that it lurks in all of us. But I have almost forgotten these storms and how I survived them. And it makes me sad. But what makes me even more sad is that, I have no records of these dark moments. So, if I continue to forget these moments, I will have nothing in writing to remind me of these moments. My blog wasn't created yet when I was going through this periods. My diary was abandoned during this period. I didn't like talking or speaking about this period. So sadly, I will have no records of this period. A very important period of my life that showed me that I was survivor and at the same ti...

Just like that, the harsh winds of reality blew, killing off the remaining flicker of flame from the beautiful candle of hope. Obviously, just from the words above, you can tell I'm not happy with my A-levels results that came out recently. It wasn't good nor was it bad. But I'm just not happy with it. People say it's alright. They tell me to move on and to cheer up.  They say it doesn't matter as long as I did my best. They tell me to forget. I really appreciate the thought of them wanting to cheer me up. Thank you, really . But I can't pretend to smile when I feel like crying. I'm not okay. I'm not alright. It's not alright. Will it ever be alright? I don't know. Will I be alright? Eventually. Hopefully. But right now, I'm not alright. So just let me be. Let me wallow in my sadness. No amount of words can comfort me. Nothing can. It'll take a while for me to recover, like always. All I need right now, is some...

Why did I write this poem? Well, I listened to this song : And it made me feel sad and it also made me think. It made me wonder, if I do die, how would I want it to be, what would I have wanted to say. So since I can't write a song, I wrote a poem instead. A poem about how I would want it to be when I die. So yea, that song really inspired this poem of mine. I know it sounds a little dark and emo but this is exactly what I would have wanted. When I go By carmensakura07 (August 2011) When I go, let my organs be of use to the living, put me in a casket and close it, play all my favourite songs, And let the rocking music lift our souls. Spare your tears, Wear your smiles, sing along to the rocking music, celebrate, for now, I am safe in heaven's arms. Do not grief for me, do not cry for me, and if you find it hard, you can always forget me, now that I am gone. You need not remember me, it's not important, but if you want to, remember the good ...

I just quit my own business. Well, I had this business with a friend of mine who is my partner. But after a month, I quit! At first, things seem to be going fine. Then, it didn't. My partner was freaking bipolar! She just kept yelling at me and scolding me. Whatever I did was just not good enough for her. In her eyes, I was just doing it ALL WRONG! And it doesn't help that she doesn't want to talk to me properly without being bipolar. What made me quit was when she rejected some of my very visionary business ideas. She was just such a worry wart. She wanted to do things old fashion and by the books. Well, I'm not a old fashion or by the books kind of person. I get ideas. Crazy out of this world ideas. And I knew if she didn't like this ONE idea, she'll hate it all. She thinks that this idea is radical when it's just a normal idea. If she thinks this normal ideal is radical, then what would she think of my other really CRAZY ideas? So I quit. It wasn't go...

Ask me 3 or 4 years ago and I would have thought that you were important to me. But not anymore. Since, it was the last year of high school, I just want to get together with you so that we can relive all the fun moments we had back then. I mean, we're friends. But then, now I remembered why we fought and broke off. To be honest, I was hurt by you afew times. But it's no matter. I learnt from the pain and became stronger. Honestly, I thank you for that. Now, my self-esteem is just higher and stronger. I learnt to love and deal with myself. Seriously, you are a fun person to be with when you're not mocking but you mock most of the times. And I guess, in the past I left you for a reason. So yea, now, I'll be fine without you. Just so you know, you aren't the center of my universe. If you talk to me, I'll talk to you but if you don't, I won't bother. So when high school is over. It's really goodbye. We might see each other in 20 years time but by then, w...

Sigh, oh sigh. I had a very interesting week. I had some good times & some bad times. It's just the usual ups & downs. I had a heated discussion with a friend. To be honest, it's nobody's fault. It's just miscommunication & it doesn't help with the fact that my tolerance limit broke. So now, I have to sit on this. It's just that when your limit breaks, things are complicated. Can I just forget everything & start anew? Eventhough, my action of saying it out to the other party proves to be a very painful process. I still will have to say it because if I don't say it, I feel like I'm lying to you & myself. So rite now, I have no idea what I'll decide to do. Sometimes, I wonder why I become so attached. Ugh. As for the good things, I learnt another new experience. Not only that, I feel so lucky this week. Right now, I'm going to listen to MCR. Haha, and we all know what that means.