Feelings from the past?

Before I start, I want to warn you that this is gonna be a long post filled with possible anger, rants and just emotions. So yea. Beware~!

Anyway, I was just thinking about the past again because someone mentioned a name from the past that I haven't heard in a long, long while.

So, that obviously brought me back to high school times because that was when it happened.

Like I said before in the past, I wasn't a fan of high school because I had some tough times there but to say that it was all bad is false. Because I did have good times. It's a bittersweet time. 

So I was just thinking about my ex-best friend. To be honest, for a while, I felt that I have moved on because I felt like I have forgiven her and it didn't hurt anymore when I thought of her.

And then, one day, she got tagged in a mutual friend's facebook post so she was on my facebook timeline. Looking at it, I felt somewhat hurt and attacked. Suddenly, I realise that maybe I haven't moved on. 

It was a weird feeling. 

On one hand, I felt okay that she was living her life. Good for her. It was funny how we used to be so close and now, we are strangers.

But on another hand, I felt anger bubbling. I didn't want to see her ever again. Not even on facebook. I don't want to know how she is doing. 

I pondered hard on how I felt.

Because I know I have forgiven her. I don't blame her for what she did in the past. I don't blame her for cutting me so deep. For hurting me. It's okay. It happened and it's over. It's done.

I don't reject this part of my history. I accept that in the past, I let her hurt me.

A friend told me, maybe I don't want to see her because she remind me of a past that I don't want to remember. Because eventhough it didn't hurt anymore, it still sucks to know that you were hurt by her. I thought maybe she was right. But then again, if I truly moved on, won't it not hurt anymore? Shouldn't I be okay?

So I thought longer. It took me a while.

But maybe, I still feel a little slighted. To see her living a happy life. To know that she can cause so much pain and yet, there she is laughing happily, living her life. Maybe it hurts to know that the person who hurt you can be laughing happily while you have to pick up the pieces of your life and recover.

Eventhough I am much stronger now, I still feel that it's a little unfair that she's happy. It's just not fair that she's not paying for her crimes. It's like the universe is letting her off the hook and it's not just fair.

But then again, I told myself this a long time ago, that all her suffering in the world won't pay me back. Her pain will not make my pain okay. It won't make it go away. Only I can make my own pain go away. So frankly, I don't care if she is in pain or is suffering. It doesn't matter to me.

And that's why I vow to try to not bring pain to people's life. To leave light and hope instead. Because there's already so much pain in this world.

So I thought harder.

And then I realise one thing. 

Maybe, eventhough I have forgiven her, I haven't forgiven myself. And seeing her randomly on my facebook, reminds me that I allowed myself to be in pain. 

Maybe I have not forgiven myself for allowing her to hurt me. 

I felt that maybe this is the right answer. I have forgiven her but I never talked about forgiving myself. I never talked about accepting that I was young and silly and trusted her way too much. 

So maybe, it is myself that I need to forgive. It's myself that I need to love more.

That's what I learnt from this, that I need to love myself a lot more.

But in all honesty, I am glad that she is happy with whatever it is she's doing. But I am also glad we live in our own circles and that our circles don't meet for now.

However, I would be curious what her reaction would be if she ever saw me again. But that doesn't matter.

When I think of the past, sometimes I am just amazed how different things are. How she and I used to promise that we would be there for each other forever. But now, we aren't even facebook friends. 
It's just crazy how different the future could be.

And because of that, I look forward to what my future will bring me.

I often wonder what would my future self say or do if she saw me now? Would she smile and say, "You're gonna turn out just fine."
Or would she sigh and say, "Man, you need to work on the decisions you made."

I have no idea. I hope it's the first one though.

Anyway, cheers to the past for it made us what we are today.
But a toast to the future because it's land of dreams.
And a clap to the present because that's where we are and where we can do our best while living our lives.