The Tales of Carmensakura

So I finally went out for the first time since the lockdown, it was definitely an interesting experience. My lockdown experience started later than most people. Since I was essential worker, for the first month of the lockdown, I still had to go to the office. But the whole March - April was such an insane period. I went to office every day. Then the rules changed because my supervisor was trying to keep me safe and it changed to going to the office every alternate day. It changed again when April came because finally, I had all the company system remote access. So from mid April onwards, I begun working from home. So technically, I haven't left my house since April.  It was definitely a weird experience. Did I miss being outside? Did I miss enjoying the cup of matcha latte in a nice cafe? Absolutely. But at the same time, in my head, there's a tiny little alarm that goes, it's not quite safe yet . And that's true. The vaccine isn't here yet.  Luckily the s...

Let's talk about mental health. Alot of people have been in a lockdown and it must affect some of us. Personally, I have always been someone who gets anxious pretty easily. Hence, even before the lockdown, I downloaded some apps to help with my mental health. Initially, I downloaded youper. I even paid for the premium one because the free version was so limiting. You can go the Youper website here to download it. This app is available in both ios and android. Yes, be aware that the free version is very limiting. How is it? I been using it for a while. Some days it's helpful. Other days it isn't. I generally just use it as a place to vent my frustration sometimes because it has the AI chat. However, sometimes it doesn't help because as AI chats go, they aren't very smart. But checking in each day, to rate how I feel has helped me realise that emotions are a very fickle thing. When I was younger, I value emotions very highly. Maybe because I...

The lockdown is here. And it's great that some people are staying home, starting projects or doing things they always wanted to try out. I envy that slightly. I still have to go to work so I don't have that luxury of time that everyone seems to have right now. But also, I have anxiety. I been at home during the weekends and wow, I feel even more anxious at home without anything to distract me. Atleast at work, I have work to distract me. So when I see posts that go, instead of being anxious, go start a project or do things that you always want to do, only pisses me off. Do you know how anxiety works? Because that's not it. Anxiety is like having that voice at the back of your head, just going off. Imagine an alarm going off. Anxiety is an alarm. Yes, you can ignore that alarm for a while. But it's still there. So all these advice such as go do something you like, it's not very helpful.  I can't do anything I like right now. I just want it...

I haven't blogged in a while because I kinda forgot to blog. Plus, I found it hard to blog lately. I used to use blogging as an online journal but lately, I found out that when I blogged now, it was usually the polished version of my thoughts which made it feel a little fake. So because of that, I stopped for a while. I thought it would be better to be writing in my real journal where I could be real and raw. Get as ugly as I can. I don't think I can ever be as real and raw here. It feels too exposed here because everyone in the internet can read it. Although that's unlikely because I don't get much hits here though. Anyway, I thought I should blog in these monumental times because what's happening today is unprecedented. It's in a way, history in the making. Anyway, thanks to the Covid19, my country is in lockdown. Unfortunately for me, I don't feel much of the effects because I still go to work. I work in the essential services so I'm allowed ...

This might be a long one and I am sorry. I don't think adulthood is really that bad.  But despite that, I won't say it wasn't hard. As I have said before, last year wasn't a great year for me. I was angry, upset and frustrated. I was full of anxiety and fear. I was a complete nervous wreck. But that was because I was definitely focusing on the wrong things. I was only looking at my unfortunate circumstances And how they were disadvantage. Compared to other privileged people, I was behind. It felt like I had weights in a marathon race. I was angry. And it was easier to blame the world. But as time goes by, anger just wears you down. And I was getting emotionally tired. Somehow, my rationality kicked in.  And that changed my entire perspective. I begun to realise that my circumstances didn't define me. I begun to realise that just because I had weights tied to me, doesn't mean I can't slowly build the stamina to run just as fast. Y...

Let's talk about anxiety because it's something I have. It's something I had since I was a child. I never really knew I had it. It's only much older that I look at anxiety and realise, oh, that is anxiety. My family never acted like I was too weird. They just think it's me thinking too much. But the good thing is, they never told me to stop thinking. Instead they tell me to try to calm down. In today's world, more and more people are coming out to talk about anxiety and that's a good thing. Luckily for me, I was never made to be too weird. And I learnt some pretty good coping mechanism. But not everyone is as lucky as me though. Anxiety is definitely not easy. When anxiety hits, it's hard to think or even breathe. It feels so real and even painful. Your hearts beats hard. Your mind runs fast. You find yourself finding it hard to breathe. Your vision blurs. You're trembling. Tears might be running down your eyes. So when peop...