The Tales of Carmensakura

To my dear friend, thank you for being there for me in my darkest hour. Thank you for being the friend that sat next to me as I cried, confused and angry. Thank you for being that friend who was honest with me. I appreciated the harsh truths because I needed to hear it. Thank you for being the person that I can make a pact with. Thank you for helping me defeat a fear that been haunting me for a long, long time. Thank you for pushing my beliefs regarding work and the world. Thank you for breaking those beliefs. Thank you for reminding me that we can dream again. Thank you for making new pacts with me.  May we achieve all that we want. May we be there for each other. May we hold each other close in our darkest hours and to celebrate together in our deepest joys. Am I afraid to lose a friend like you? Absolutely. But I'm old enough to know and understand that friendships come and go. And although, I may lose you one day, to life or other consequences, I just want to say, you'd had...

Just yesterday I bumped into an old friend in a forum that I was attending.  In the past, he and I were very good friends. At one point in my life, we were on the phone every day for hours. We joked, talked and teased. And in those moments, I felt like he was a good close friend of mine. We weren't from the same school so I dare not assume that I was his good close friend. But due to my lack of good high school experiences, he felt like a good close friend to me. This is something I never said to him. However, at this age, I always felt our friendship would go on and on.  Although nothing terrible happened to our friendship but time and distance took its toll. We just got so caught up with our lives, dreams and goals that we spoke less and less. And soon, we spoke none at all. Years passed and we were out of each other lives. When I saw him, it felt a little unreal. I recognized him.  But he looked different. Somewhat older and taller. We smiled at each o...

I'm not the kind of person who posts things up about my relationship. I don't know how to do it. I'm just kind of private in that way. When it comes to my love life, I only trust a handful of people.  And these are the only people I talk about love life to. Sometimes it's even hard to talk about it eventhough I do need people to talk about it. It's weird.  And I know why. Because in the past, my "best friend" betrayed me pretty badly. I used to tell all about the matters of my heart to my "best friend".  And she was supposed to help me get together with this person. In the end, even though she was in a relationship, she cheated on her partner with this person that she was supposed to help me in. I am not even mad. Just sad that I got betrayed.  And I think because of that I have trust issues in this regards so I won't quite tell others regarding this unless I really trust them.

Before I start, I want to warn you that this is gonna be a long post filled with possible anger, rants and just emotions. So yea. Beware~! Anyway, I was just thinking about the past again because someone mentioned a name from the past that I haven't heard in a long, long while. So, that obviously brought me back to high school times because that was when it happened. Like I said before in the past, I wasn't a fan of high school because I had some tough times there but to say that it was all bad is false. Because I did have good times. It's a bittersweet time.  So I was just thinking about my ex-best friend. To be honest, for a while, I felt that I have moved on because I felt like I have forgiven her and it didn't hurt anymore when I thought of her. And then, one day, she got tagged in a mutual friend's facebook post so she was on my facebook timeline. Looking at it, I felt somewhat hurt and attacked. Suddenly, I realise that maybe I haven't moved o...

I really wanted this summer to be the best summer ever. The most fascinating and fun one. Because honestly, everything seemed to be going my way. I had good friends, good food and everything. So it just seemed that everything would be all good. I wouldn't say I had a bad summer. It's just that I assume that everything would be sweet. But life would not let me have things all sweet. So it added a little saltiness for me. I don't think it's a bad thing to have a little saltiness. It's just adds to the taste of life and makes it more vibrant. Anyway, the saltiness is the hard part of my summer. And the only hard part about my summer is my internship.  To be honest, I expected it to be super awesome and amazing. I expected to love every single minute of it. But I didn't. Turns out, I am not a fan of the department that I'm interning in. If anything, it took all of my will to get up in the morning and go to work. I have not been so upset in a long l...

I been thinking about my life alot and how things are so different are. I won't lie. Of course, I do miss my past every once in a while. I miss how carefree things were and maybe how my friends seemed more supportive because at that time, we were all free and we are just up in each other faces. So it was nice to have people to share things with. At first, I felt a little lonely because I felt that I didn't really have anyone to share certain things.  That was how I started to miss things. But then again, as time passes by, things changed a bit. I realized that I did have good friends. And honestly, I am grateful for them. This lead me to think about my life.  In that moment, I begin to realize how good my life. So, I feel extremely grateful. I'm having the time of my life. Learning things I love. Discovering new experiences. Hanging out with friends that I love their company. Everything is good. My life is only beginning and so much can happen from here on...

I know that the world is a diverse place.  Since it is a diverse place, I understand that there will be a variety of people with their own different set of thoughts. But recently, people have been saying things to me that sort of pisses me off.  It's not what they said was rude or anything. But sometimes, what they say is unbelievably small minded and it blows my mind that there are people like them around and that I actually know them. I don't say anything to them because I don't want to be rude. But it left a little angry for a while. However, it is pointless to be angry at something so silly. Plus those people who said it don't mean any harm. I'm not mad at them per se. I am just mad that they actually think that way. But since people are entitled to their own thoughts and opinions, I have no right to be mad or anything. I should just accept that different people have different thoughts and I should respect them even if they s...

Honestly, when I turned 21, I must admit that I felt a little scared and unsure. I don't know why but when I turned 21, I didn't feel 21. What I mean is, I don't quite feel like an adult. I don't feel like I am in complete control of my life. And I certainly feel like maybe, I am being left out. I see everyone around me who turned 21 and they all seem so 21. They have nice parties. They wear pretty dresses. They walk around like they are grown up. And then, you have me. But as time passes by, I don't feel like that anymore. I mean, yes, I may not wear pretty dresses or whatever. But I am okay with that now. In the past, I felt all these pressure. I felt like I was missing out. But not anymore. So now, I just worry about what I am doing. And honestly, I am very happy with the life I lead. In fact, I consider myself very lucky. I am studying what I like. I like the feeling of constantly learning. And yes, even though the university w...

Let me just warn you that this will be a rather long post. so yea. One of the anime that I am watching currently is Hanayamata.  Honestly, I didn't think that I would like this anime as much as I do right now. It's not a special show. It's the normal high school friendship anime where girls do what they love and in this case, dance a certain japanese dance. It's those friendship type of anime filled with cuteness and sweetness.  In the group, you have the shy reserved girl, the tsundere, the princess and the energetic annoying one. And for some reason watching this reminded me of high school. Personally, I am not a fan of high school but I don't quite hate it either. I just recognized that it was a part of my life. That's all. But this anime reminded of the good sweet memories of high school. It made me think of the good memories I had in high school and suddenly, I missed it. I miss my group of friends. The one that brought the light into my ...

Yesterday, I attended a friend's graduation ceremony.  CONGRATULATION TO MY FRIEND. Anyhow, it was nice watching other people graduate.  Seeing them so happy made me happy too. All the graduates had a certain glow to them and for some reason, it made me think of my own graduation.  Honestly, my graduation is a very very long way away.  I just finished my first year and I am only going to start my second year soon. So it'll take a while before I graduate. But honestly, I think I would enjoy my graduation. The feeling of accomplishment. The ability to say, I DID IT.  The feeling of pride. To know that you are a whole different person now compared to when you started the course. To know that you are a more mature and wiser person.  So yea. To be honest, I can't wait for my graduation. But for now, I just have to get prepared to start my year 2.

I was hanging out with some friends the other day and we were talking. A friend loves photography and thus believes having a professional camera makes a photographer better. But another friend argued that the phone camera's quality are so good now that they can rival professional camera's. The photography friend got a little mad, stating that there is a difference taking pictures with professional camera and phone camera. That professional camera has a better feel to it. I thought about it. And for some reason, it made me think of writing. There are writers who love the typewriter because it has a really vintage cool feel to it. There are writers who love the computers or laptop because it's easy. There are writers who love pen and paper because you can feel yourself work and you can see the words really coming together. There are writers who love writing on their phones because they are busy and it's convenient. But which apparatus makes a writer b...

I don't usually talk about TV series but for this time, I must. So please, forgive me. (This might be a very long post. So consider yourself warned.) Grey's Anatomy. It's has been running for 10 seasons. I started watching this series when I was 14. Now, I am 21. I been watching this series for 7 years. This series means a lot to me. When I was 14, I had a really rough time. And Grey's Anatomy was one of those things that helped me hold on. I remember when I used to rush home from school to catch this series on TV. When this series started, it blew my mind away. It was a series about a bunch of intern doctors and their lives.  But what mattered to me in this series were that the characters here were very human. They got mad, they cried, they laughed and they danced. Yes, there was a lot of sleeping around in this series but I pushed that to one corner because that was not what matters. What matters was that this characters were very real.  Their l...

Kagerou Project is a series of vocaloid songs that has a story to tell but the story is rather complicated though. But in my opinion, it's a very good story. I can only give you the link to the song playlist   and wiki of the series.  You can check it for yourself if you like it. Personally, I love this series. In fact, I am sort of obsessed with it currently. It's a series that speaks to my soul directly. It's a series with irony, hope and tragedy. It's about a bunch of kids with powers. They are weird and have no one but each other because no one else understand their situations. But sadly, some of them had sad pasts like a friend committing suicide or being stuck in a terrible reality where they watch their friend die over and over again. Point is, it's sad. But at the same time, it's not all that sad because they have each other and they do look forward to a better future, having fun with each other. And the tragic thing is, for the bad e...

Yup. I have nothing to say. Why? Hmm....nothing much is going on in my life except the same old, same old, studies and trying to have a social life. Hmm....maybe, I been focusing a little too much on anime lately. Oh well. A little entertainment didn't kill anyone. hehehe. Ah, November is coming. Do you know what that means? YES, NANOWRIMO IS COMING. AND I AM EXCITED. What is NANOWRIMO? Na tional No vel Wri ting Mo nth. Most people are thinking up new brilliant stories, having crazy awesome wordcount goals or dreaming up new characters. But for this year's nanowrimo, none of that is my goal. My goal currently is just one thing, TO FINISH MY UNFINISHED NOVEL. I just want to finish it.  I want to prove to myself that I can finish something. So yea. NANOWRIMO, here, I come. Guess, I do have something to say. LOL.

I won't lie. There are days where I miss them immensely.  Who do I miss? A group of high school friends that accepted me for who I am, no matter how broken I was. I miss this particular group immensely because the group is now in pieces.  We were no where as close as what we were in the past. We may talk. Or some of us don't even talk. But it's not the same. What used to be close companionship was replaced by misunderstanding. And then, that was replaced by us simply moving on with our lives. And it makes me sad. I regret not appreciating those moments more. I regret taking them for granted. I regret ever hurting them. I mean, I understand and accept that this is the situation. But that doesn't mean I don't miss them. Because I do. And sometimes, I wish, so much, that we could return to those moments. However, as much as the group is in pieces, it doesn't mean that it will be in pieces forever. It can be f...

Losing will always sting. It will always hurt. The dissappointment will always be there. It will never go away. It only gets less painful as you realized that it doesn't matter. Losing sucks. I admit that. And maybe, it had made me bitter because I know what it feels like to watch your dreams die. And maybe, that is the reason why I haven't been fitting well in university life. I see so many youngsters with bright, sparkling eyes. Eyes that have known no deep pain. Souls that haven't been made to bend and break by the winds of life. So young and innocent. It's not like I do not have any friends. I do. They are all my friends but it's just that the connection isn't quite there.  Like we are wearing different tinted glasses and seeing from different point of views. It's as if we live in different worlds. But it's interesting. As much as I felt alone and lonely this year, I have never quite felt so surrounded by friends. It'...

Ah, the power of words. Everyone would think that a writer, of all people, would know its' power. I thought I knew. But I didn't. Words that I wrote from a long, long time ago are coming back to haunt me. And I guess, it burns. I don't feel the need to apologize for those words though. No. Because at that time, it was how I felt. And yes, maybe, it was bad. But it was how I felt. I am not going to pretend these feelings didn't exist. Because the last time I did, it turned out badly. If you feel the need to talk about it, come to me. But if you don't, then, it's alright. I am not going to lie. I do not miss my childhood friends. But I don't hate them either. However, I am tired. Tired of trying so hard, only to get burned. Tired of helping, only to get stabbed. But it also makes me sad. Because I wished that we did not have a falling out. Sadly, we did. And as my other friends said, what is done is done. Now, I have to move on. ...

I was sick this week. So, it's not fun. By the way, life has been pretty tough lately. I mean, my goal is to have a balanced life. All that matters is that I am happy. But everything is spinning out of control. Sadly, I fell sick. So that means, I can't exercise and I am not really paying attention in classes. My social groups keeps having outings that I cannot attend because I need to study. I hate feeling left out, seriously. sighs. But studies come first. My studies. Well, I feel like it isn't going anywhere and I am only getting dumber. I have been watching too much anime lately. Sighs. My stories. It's been stuck for two weeks now. ARGH. Oh well. Life's tough and that's life. By the way, I wrote a Naruto fanfic for the HashiMada pairing called " The Confrontation. "

Sometimes, it's not about the words you say. It's about understanding. All we need in life, sometimes, is to know that they are people who would catch you when you fall and hold your hand when you cry. You just want someone to be there for you and to tell you that everything would be alright. And I am so thankful that I have friends who have been there for me. And I really, really want to repay them back by being there for them. I had "friends" last time that said that, "If you don't tell me that you are in trouble, how in the world would I know?" And I remember how that made me so mad. Because if you were my friend, you would know that I don't like telling my problems freely. I just don't because I don't want to burden or annoy you with my problems. The friends that I thought would be there for me, weren't. But the friends that I never thought would be there for me were and I am so damn thankful. Li...

Ever since I wrote Coeur Noir, I felt so much better regarding my "childhood" friend. Everything I wanted to say and needed to say was in that story. I felt liberated and finally, I could move on. And for a while, I was moving on. I was doing well. And I was happy. Then, she posted her twitter account on facebook. Something that she never does because her twitter account is locked. So, it's pointless to post it on facebook because you can't see a thing. It's like she wanted the world to know that she locked her twitter account and that she also wants me to know that I am locked out even though, in the past, I was not. What? Does she want me to call her up or text her to ask her why she blocked me on twitter? Nope. Not gonna do that.  I wrote Coeur Noir. So if you want a reply, read that. And today, her name appeared on one of my communication chat as recommended friends to add. I laughed out, HAHA. NO. JUST NO. And deleted that notification. ...