The Tales of Carmensakura

Today, I did my taxes. I did it online. So all I have is the softcopy that I saved in my pendrive. My parents told me that I should print it out. As a young person who has kept everything in my pendrive, I literally don't get it. So I said I wasn't going to print. And that sparked an argument. It was literally a pointless argument. If only they stated their point better. If only I was less angry. My parents also scolded me to stop cursing. And that annoyed me. It's obvious that a rift is going sometimes. A divergence in values and thought processes. And it's going to be tiring for me. Because I know I won't comply. And they will want me to. Maybe even force me. And I hate it when they use threats to force me to comply. And it's not a simple threat. It's the threat of a cut in family ties. It's always that same threat. I hate it. Because honestly, I do care for them. But I have my own way of living. I understand tha...

Just a warning. These are my thoughts and my opinions. And being an Asian that grew up in a collective society, this may be an opinion or thought that many may not like or it may be something you agree with. And oh yeah, this is gonna be a long post. Recently, some "family" issues has been happening and I just reminded how different my values are with my own parents. I felt that I just have to talk about it here. My mother might probably be mad that I'm talking about this here because she would feel that there is no need to air the dirty laundry. But me, on the other hand, I just feel that this is the truth and there is no harm in saying it. Personally, if you ask me if I'm a family oriented person, my answer would be no. I'm an individualist. Coming from an Asian family that grew up in a collective society, this is a shocking answer. And honestly, I don't find the need to apologize for it nor do I care if someone thinks it is wrong. Recently, my pa...

My family recently are planning a trip to the UK.  It's gonna be expensive. And it's been a huge headache lately. We haven't planned. But planning with my parents gives me a headache and it annoys me. As for financially, it hurts me to watch a year of savings go down the drain for one trip. This is why travel will not be a priority for now. Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy travelling. Does it broaden my mind? Yes it does. But I don't like the idea of saving every penny and then spending it all on a few days. No. Not my idea of fun. If anything, it feels like a heartbreak. This is why travel to me is a luxury for now. I am not saying I don't want to travel. No. I am saying I prioritise other things for now. I want to be able to increase my earning power more first. I want to focus on my career and other aspects of my life.  Because I want to be able to travel with ease. I don't want to save each penny and spend it with cauti...

This post might be long, raw and real. Just a warning. I just heard songs and it reminded of my past. Or rather, what I used to be. The song talked about having anger. I remember having loads of anger when I was younger. I never quite understood it. It's not like I had a bad family. I didn't and they love me and everything. But anger was real. It was like there was a fire in my chest.  I was just angry. And honestly, I hated being angry. Because that is when I would make the most stupid decision. I have always regretted every decision I made in anger. I never understood why I had so much anger. Anger was like my primary emotion. I didn't get sad when people hurt me. I get angry. Anything happens, anger would come out.  And in this world, it seemed like anger was a bad emotion. So I hated myself for having so much of it. For not being able to control it. When I was younger, anger was like fire. It only spread everywhere and I watched it burn. I could do nothin...

My country government decided to do something horrible which is to stop giving out scholarships to students in both foreign and local universities due to falling revenues. Honestly, this is a horrible thing. Because I know so many students count on scholarships to further their studies. Personally, I disagree with this entire system of scholarships and how they pick their recipients but that's a different story for another day. I found this sad and terrible because this would rob away many students dream to further their studies. Eventhough I have been lucky to been able to receive a tertiary education which is my undergraduate studies, I am aware that not everyone is as lucky as me. But because I did not come for a rich family, I also know what it is like to have my dreams shatter in my very hands (my dreams was related to education.) But as much this is horrible thing, no matter what happens, no what the silly government does, we still have to live our life. This...

With the recent news, it's obvious that the world is in a lot of pain, sadness and grief.  As much as I feel this sadness, pain and grief, I choose against it. What do I mean by that? What I'm trying to say is I choose kindness and love. I choose to spread kindness and love. I choose to be positive. I choose to be optimistic. I choose to be kind. I know some might say, aren't you just ignoring the pain and sadness?  That's not true. I'm not ignoring. I'm just saying that there's already too much pain, sadness and grief. And I don't want to perpetuate that.  For example, the recent thing that happened in Paris, France. It's such sad news. People are outraged and shock. I understand that. But to suddenly condemn all muslims? That's not fair at all. Instead of hating muslims, I think we should be united and show kindness to the victims and one another. Because I think being kind and showing love says that, you are stronger than ...

I know that the world is a diverse place.  Since it is a diverse place, I understand that there will be a variety of people with their own different set of thoughts. But recently, people have been saying things to me that sort of pisses me off.  It's not what they said was rude or anything. But sometimes, what they say is unbelievably small minded and it blows my mind that there are people like them around and that I actually know them. I don't say anything to them because I don't want to be rude. But it left a little angry for a while. However, it is pointless to be angry at something so silly. Plus those people who said it don't mean any harm. I'm not mad at them per se. I am just mad that they actually think that way. But since people are entitled to their own thoughts and opinions, I have no right to be mad or anything. I should just accept that different people have different thoughts and I should respect them even if they s...

Music conveys a lot. And for me, there's often a few songs that I relate to or managed to say a situation that I went through before really well. I just found a song that managed to say a situation that I felt before really well. A song that I really connected to on a spiritual level. I haven't found a song that ever talked about a situation like this before so this song is the first and it suits it really well too. I embedded the video here. However, do ignore the video because it is a little weird. Even I can't watch it. I just listen to the music but ignore the video completely. I am going to paste the translation lyrics here. The seasons die out, one after another; the voice of death becomes wind A man not susceptible to the charms of the city looks up at the moon and notices how unrefined it all is. In a life stuck in mud, the rain itself tastes of alcohol With eyes filled with apathy as they wander the city, I’m an innocent man acting suspiciousl...

I fell sick. Well, actually, I am still sick. And it's because of this, I am reminded of how much I hate being sick. Your brain is fuzzy. Your body is weak. My temper gets bad. Obviously, my studies went down the drain. I wasted an entire week and I am still sick.  That makes me mad. Because I know that the exam is coming closer and I have only wasted time. I am still utterly completely unprepared. Yup, my exam stress is coming. I can feel it. That is why I am in no mood for any shit right now. I am quarantining myself until the exam ends. Time only moves forward and wasted time won't ever come back. And that's life.

Yes, another rant. What is that rant? I need more internet time. My current time is not nearly enough for me to blog, check emails, watch anime, take personality quizzes & just surf the internet. I don't even have enough time to watch the anime that I want to and I currently only have 3.  What the actual shit?! Anyhow, my internet time is running out. Gotta go. Until next week then.

I just want to live. I just want to be happy. I just want to do everything so that I don't regret anything ever. But I can't. I can't do everything. It's simply not possible. Well, that's how I feel currently anyway. I feel extremely tired and frustrated. This two weeks were suppose to be a holiday for me but they were the worse holiday ever. WHY? I still had Sociology classes on Monday & Tuesday. So that took up a lot of time and energy. I wanted to write but I couldn't come up with anything good. I wanted to watch anime but time just feels wasted. I wanted to relax but my mind is pacing everywhere. I wanted to read but my mind couldn't enter the worlds. I wanted to study but I feel so tired. I wanted to exercise but my body felt heavy. I wanted to eat but I felt fat. I did these things in bits and pieces. And so, it felt unproductive and a waste of time. So yea. I have only felt frustrated lately. It's sad, really. ...

It's been a pretty bad week. And since I don't feel like filling up my blog with  another  long boring angry rant. I got too much long angry rants.  So here are some pictures of how I feel, instead. Yup. So these pictures are the summary of how I feel this week. So yea.

I'm only human. Sometimes, I get tired and I feel down. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed with what I have and it's tiring. I guess the expectations are chaining me down sometimes. I feel frustrated and disappointed. People say 'think positive, be happy or change your thoughts.' It makes me want to laugh. If only it were so simple. Thing is, it isn't. So, please, don't look at me with your expectations. I will only disappoint you. I'm only human and sometimes, I'm retarded. I know I need to reconcile with myself and change my thoughts but give me time. I guess I'll just need to reconcile with myself or else, I'll remain angry for nothing.

Recently, on the radio, I heard some good public broadcast that tells people to not litter, smoke and etc. Anyhow, I heard one advising people not to get angry by holding their breath and counting to ten or thinking about cute things such as puppies. Listening to that really pissed me off. If anger was so easy to control or get rid off, wouldn't people get rid or control it by now? Well, obviously, it's not so easy. And do you really think that in the moment of rage, a person is going to hold his breath or think of puppies? So yea. I'm not saying it's impossible but I'm saying that it's hard. And do you really think that an angry person likes that they get angry easily? Don't you think they want to change to? If it were that simple, don't you think that the anger would be gone? So I find this advice pointless, stupid and demeaning. True, some people can control their anger better...but not all. And this applies to me. I snap more tha...

Ok, just for your information... I am still alive and no, I haven't abandoned my blog. The reason why I haven't blogged or been online is bcuz I finally moved to my "new" house and this "new" stupid house didn't have any internet. I still have no internet and so please forgive me, if I dun visit your blog. I'm still waiting for my internet to arrive. Well, I'm gonna rant bout some stuff bcuz I haven't been online for so long...and I have lots to say. 1. "New" House. Ok, eventhough this house is twice the size of my old small, cramped apartment. Yea, this house is bigger and more comfortable. But I hate this damn house. WHY? Well, because, I don't have the internet. And this house feels funny. I just don't like it. Period. I wish I could tell my dad tat. But I know I can't bcuz he likes this stupid house. Because this house is the family heirloom or some crap like that. 2. Internet Can't you believe that I have no int...

Ok, why do some of teacher's in my school thinks that my class is troubled? Just because we talk and sleep during class does not mean that we're troubled. Well, my class is not exactly friendly and my class is separated into several groups. Not everyone know each other personally, we just stick to our own groups and don't give a shit. HOWEVER, my class with stick together and work together when we're put in trouble. And so we have been... Teacher's come to our class and said that we are the most annoying, rudest and undisciplined kids EVER. And they also dissed our parents, saying that our parents sometimes neglect us or something like that. Nobody disses my parents! My parents are good nice people who raised me up the right way. They even deserve an award for their good job! Teacher's always come into classes, expecting quiet, obedient and perfect children waiting for their lessons. Guess what, it ain't that way...not anymore, not since kindergarten. So of ...

I used to know myself and what I wanted...but not anymore. When I look back into the past, things seemed so nice and beautiful. In the past, I knew myself and my dreams. Yet, I still know how to have fun and go wild. Now, I don't even know who I am anymore. As my reread my life, I realise how much I've lost and achieved. I realise how much I have changed and how things have changed. But as I stand here today...I've lost myself. Not only that, I've been a weak moron who breaks down every moment. ...What do I do now? I've lost some old buddies and gained some new friends. Well, let's just say things are different now. Currently, I've been feeling like crap so I created a character from this turmoil I have. I write as a way to calm myself down. She's borned from my crap and she'll die for absolutely nothing. A meaningless death. Her name is Lunette Anya Lux. My princess of despair. As I create her, I realise that she is so much stronger than me. So beau...

Suddenly, we have to change teacher! I wonder what was wrong with my current Civic teacher...but if the school wants to change our teacher, do we have a choice? Sincerely, I think Civic class stupid. Civic class won't make any of us more civic-minded or kinder. How can sitting in a class, discussing about proper manners make us more well-mannered? We, students can always give the right answers about manners BUT do we actually follow it?? Anyway, to me, Civic classes are just like free period where you can RELAX after a whole day of Maths, English & Science!! THEN, a new Civic teacher came! And that changed my Civic lessons forever! I have this new indian teacher named, Vicknesswary...we call her miss Vickness. Her name sounds like illness or sickness to me. She's the kind of teacher who wants absolute silence, absolute order and absolute respect! She even tell us to ask permission from her if we wanted to drink water. Last week, when I whispered to Rushi in class. She actua...