Pain.

With the recent news, it's obvious that the world is in a lot of pain, sadness and grief. 

As much as I feel this sadness, pain and grief, I choose against it. What do I mean by that?

What I'm trying to say is I choose kindness and love. I choose to spread kindness and love. I choose to be positive. I choose to be optimistic. I choose to be kind.

I know some might say, aren't you just ignoring the pain and sadness? 
That's not true.
I'm not ignoring.

I'm just saying that there's already too much pain, sadness and grief. And I don't want to perpetuate that. 

For example, the recent thing that happened in Paris, France. It's such sad news. People are outraged and shock. I understand that.

But to suddenly condemn all muslims? That's not fair at all.

Instead of hating muslims, I think we should be united and show kindness to the victims and one another.

Because I think being kind and showing love says that, you are stronger than this. It shows that the attackers can't win against us. Because no matter what they do, we'll still always be kind and loving. 
I think that's a better way to live.

It's better than being afraid, angry and full of hate. 
It's so much better than that.

I know I may be young and some people might think that I'm talking complete crap.

But the thing is, I understand. 
As a child, I had a fiery temper.
Anger was almost always my first reaction to anything.

I used to read those inspirational stories about how happiness is a choice and anger can be put aside. 
I hated those stories. Especially the ones that says that anger is bad and that anger will destroy your life.
The reason for that is because I was angry and I couldn't control my anger. It was not fair to me at that time. To know that my life might be ruined by an emotion I had no control of.
It's wasn't like I wanted to be angry. I just got angry, just like how people get cold during winter.

I still remember one story where a man was shot by a bullet and instead of being angry and sad, he chose to have a different reaction. He was funny and did his best to let the doctor to save him. 
I remember thinking, that's insane. I can't put a smile and be funny if I have been shot. I would probably be very mad and probably a bit panicky. I thought this guy was completely crazy and this story was full of shit. Because no one in the world would react that way.

Over the years, now that I'm older, I have to admit that the bullet story was right. In a way, I had a choice. I could choose how I react to things.
I'm not saying my anger disappeared. That's not true. I still get angry. But I let it pass. And I don't let it ruin me.

Instead of letting anger control me and my actions, I wait until my anger has passed or subsided. And I make sure not to do anything rash in my angry moments. Because so far in life, everything I do in my haze of rage, I have only regretted them. And I'm trying to have less regrets.

What changed me?

Well, I was hurt by some people in the past. The pain they caused is so deep that I was so angry.

And I wanted revenge.

With my wonderful imagination, I let my mind wander. I imagine the worst possible situations for them. And in my head, I laughed at them, happily. Happy that my revenge has "come true". That their life sucks and karma has paid them back the pain they caused me.

What I imagined for them were really horrible things. 

And then I asked myself, how much pain do they need to endure before I can consider that they have paid back the pain they caused me?

That was when I realized that no amount of pain that they endure can make my pain go away. No amount of pain they endure can heal me. No amount of pain they endure will ever make what they did to me okay. 
It's something that they can never pay me back.

Then I asked myself, what is the point of wanting revenge or wanting them to suffer if it won't heal me or take my pain away?
I was just only creating more pain.

Not only that, I was destroying my own life.
Why do I say I was destroying my own life?
Because I wasn't living my life. Because I was just living to make sure that they got their payback. To make sure karma will hit them in their face.

What kind of life is that?
That's not the life I want.

So I had to move on. I had to live my own life. I had to find my own happiness.

And that's when I realized that it's love and kindness that will heal me.

So I started to be more kind and loving to myself so that I can heal.

It took years.
But here I am.

My heart no longer filled with hate and revenge.

Point is, I know the world is full of pain. And I don't want to make it worse.

I want to spread love and kindness instead.

I know that it may not solve the world's problem. But atleast, I'm not making it worse.