The Tales of Carmensakura

I don't know why I'm talking about this today. Maybe it's because I've been reading some really depressing stuff. The story I'm reading is about a man who tried to kill himself thrice. And it's talking about why did he want to do it. When I read it, I just felt for him. I mean, I understood him and why he wanted to do it. Depression is not just sadness. It's more than that. It's that hopelessness that you feel. You feel like a failure, worthless and useless. You hate your own existence. You wish you didn't disappoint everyone around you. You wish you were dead so you wouldn't be a burden. That is depression. It's more than being sad. And another about depression is that it's always a battle. Just because you had it once and now, you feel better does not mean it'll never come back. Some days, it'll come back and you'll just have to fight it. And it's not easy. That's why people kill themselves. ...

Well, I'm in college and I promised myself that I won't screw it up. I screwed up high school, I don't need to screw college up too. Plus, if I screw college up, I can definitely forget about going to university to get a degree. So currently, I've been working quite hard. I'm no longer really playing around like I used to in high school. But some days, I really really feel very lazy, bored and demotivated. I try to motivate myself. Some days, it works and sometimes, it doesn't. And when I motivate myself, can I stay motivated for a long period of time? Gosh, doing well really takes quite a lot of effort. I mean, no more goofing around and just doing your best. I never knew it's quite a hard battle. I mean, I thought if I put in the effort, then, everything will be perfect. But it's not. You have to work hard to get where you want.....and then, you have to work hard to STAY there or GET BETTER. So yea, how the hell ...

Why did I write this poem? Well, I listened to this song : And it made me feel sad and it also made me think. It made me wonder, if I do die, how would I want it to be, what would I have wanted to say. So since I can't write a song, I wrote a poem instead. A poem about how I would want it to be when I die. So yea, that song really inspired this poem of mine. I know it sounds a little dark and emo but this is exactly what I would have wanted. When I go By carmensakura07 (August 2011) When I go, let my organs be of use to the living, put me in a casket and close it, play all my favourite songs, And let the rocking music lift our souls. Spare your tears, Wear your smiles, sing along to the rocking music, celebrate, for now, I am safe in heaven's arms. Do not grief for me, do not cry for me, and if you find it hard, you can always forget me, now that I am gone. You need not remember me, it's not important, but if you want to, remember the good ...

I'm in college and now, I realize that there's just so many different kinds of people out there. And it's just so interesting. I get to learn of other people's points of views and that's just so interesting. Sometimes, I still find it hard to understand their point of view but nonetheless, I respect it. Still, it's fun to hear and to learn. My mind feels like it's being widened and stretched. It's just so interesting to see so many different points of views. The best thing about college is that, you get to discuss things rationally and even if you don't agree with the answer, we can agree to disagree, politely. There's no hard feelings and I really like that. This has also made me more grateful, humble and curious about people and points of views. What an interesting world, we live in~!