Feelings and emotions.

This will be a long post on feelings and emotions. Blame this on Grey's Anatomy. Yes, I am rewatching it. And it has made me think or feel so much. Or rather, I have been going down the ugly memory lane.

I feel alot. I have always felt alot.
I think alot too and I have always thought alot too.

My thoughts and my emotions have always been intertwined rather closely.
I feel and think alot.
It's both my blessing and my curse.

True, sometimes my thoughts and emotions overwhelms me and drowns me out. 
Sometimes, I feel like I can't breathe.

But having thoughts and emotions isn't all bad. Sometimes, the best of moments of life just leave me so dizzy and so euphoric. Sometimes, I feel so happy and content that no words can ever describe those fleeting moments of pure joy.

In my younger years, I must admit that these emotions and feelings were definitely hard on me.

I didn't know how to express them and I didn't know what to do with them. I just felt so much and deeply that it was scary. I look around and see people who don't seem to feel or care as deeply as I do.
I look around and see people look at me like I'm the complete weirdo for being so expressive.

Afraid and alone, I learnt to hide my emotions. Or rather, back then, I thought I killed them.
I pretended like everything was alright. I told that lie so many times that for a moment, I believed it.
I ignored what I felt. I choke it in. I kept a tight lid on it.
But you can't keep it hidden forever. You can't pretend that everything is okay when it's not.

So one day, it exploded. All of my hidden emotions. It was this ugly beast that appeared and destroy everything that mattered.
In the end, I was just lying on the floor, exhausted. And I decided that I was done. I was done with pretending. It didn't matter if I lost friends or anything. I was done with pretending that everything was fine.

And from that day on, things changed. Fate, of course, helped me out alot too.

I found new people in my life that helped me.
They showed me that it's okay to be me.
It's okay to feel and think so deeply.
It's okay to be a little crazy.

Sadly, I was an idiot back then and I hurt those people. That is one of my biggest regret ever but what has happened has happened. I will always miss them and those moments in my life because they were one of the best moments that ever happened in my life.

And then, I went to college. That was when I really accepted myself and I truly broke all limits that I thought I had.

What is the point of digging through old memory lane and looking at old wounds?
Sometimes, I just need to remember all that I have been through.
Sometimes, I just need to remember that I have survived and thrived despite all that has happened to me.

Believe it or not, there were people back in high school that cut me so deep that the scars still remain today.
I have forgiven them.
But sometimes I touch those scars and the pain still comes back. 
It always does.
I'm not sure if it'll subside over time.
I don't know.

But every time I think of it, tears will still come.
Not because I'm angry.
But because when you think of it, it's just really mean and that hurts.
To know that something so painful has ever happened.

But I do know is that those scars made me what I am today.
Stronger. Kinder. Smarter.
So I guess, it did need to happen so that it could make me, me.

I know I will always feel deeply and perhaps care too much.
I know that I might get broken again and again.
I know that I might have to stare at the abyss again.
I know that I might have to stand at the edge again and again.

But I also know that I will rise again and again.
My heart will heal again and again.
I will be just get better again and again.

So if you are a person who feels and cares deeply, just know this, you aren't alone.
It's scary, I know.

Some people will never be able to understand how you feel.
And some people might.

It might take time to feel good and better again. But you will. You always will.
You have to believe that a storm has an end and the sun will rise again.
So hold on tight and ride it out.

Do what you need to deal with your feelings and emotions.
I talk about it.
I write about it.
I feel it.

I just let it go and see where it takes me.
That's how I dealt with it.

And I'm writing this down so that I remember my own words.
That feeling deeply is not a bad thing.

If anything, it's a gift. Because you see life in its own colors, in the most concentrated form.

Like I said, it's both a curse and a blessing.
A blessing when times are good.
But a curse when times are bad.

But atleast, you feel something.
And that means, you are alive.

Honestly, I can't think of a better way to live.