A letter.

My friend wrote a letter to her past self. And it made me want to write a letter to my past self. There are things that I want to tell my 16 year old self and even my 19 year old self.

And this is a warning, this is gonna be a long post.

So here goes : 

Hello there,

it's me from the future. I have so much to say to you.
For a long time, I never really wanted to say much to you, even if I could because then, I would ruin the fun. Plus, you need to grow from each experience. And I do not want to ruin that growth by giving you clues or hints.

But I think, once in a while, we need encouragement and I guess this is what this is about.

I understand things don't make much sense. I understand that you feel completely alone sometimes.
I understand.

Most of all, I get that you are scared. So very scared. You are afraid to take that leap. What if you fall? What if nothing ever turns out the way you want it to?
What if you dream so hard only to fall hard on your face?

I understand.
I know many people say, dream anyway. Leap anyway. And honestly I know that seems hard to believe because it's so hard to just dream and leap. 

I just want to say this, your fear did come true somehow. The leap was taken. The dream was dreamt. And yet, you fell hard on your face. And it hurts. Alot.

You are always afraid that you might not set out to achieve the things that you dream of or live the life you have always dreamt of. I know this is the hardest part. To live the life you always dreamt of. You have feel like you should be doing something of importance. Something to contribute to society and yourself. 

And I understand.

Do not be afraid anymore.
Life will be life.
Whether or not it's the life you dreamt of, I don't know. I am not in that far future yet to know if I have lived the life you always dreamt of.

But I live far enough to say one thing.

All of this will make sense one day.
All the pain. All the sorrow. All the despair.
It will make sense one day.
And you will stop hurting.
And you will finally be happy.

But happiness isn't something served to you at a silver platter.
You have to work for it.
You have to keep improving yourself.
Allow your inner child to come out. To dream and hope. To have the wildest dreams because you can.
Be kind to yourself. Because you deserve kindness.

I know it will look like no one understands you. But there will be a few gems out there, who will help you. The kindest people you ever known. And the friends that you think you have, some of them aren't friends at all. And I think secretly, you already know that. But you are too kind to admit it. 

Your heart is big. It's both your strength and your weakness.
You care until you can care no more.
You give so much away and nothing left for yourself sometimes.
And people sometimes do not care about you the way you have about them.

And that's okay.

You are a person. A dynamic one. You are magic. You are a god. Do not let anyone take that away from you.
It's okay to fall.
It's okay to cry.
It's okay to lose.
It's okay to be lonely.
It's okay to be scared.
It's okay to be you.

Sometimes you feel the world is just whizzing about, leaving you behind and isolated.

But one day, soon, one day, you will wake up. 
And you will realize that life is beautiful.
That everything that ever happened, good and bad, has a place in your life.
And you will be grateful.
Grateful to your pain. Grateful to your victories. Grateful for everything.

And even if, this is not the life you have dreamt,
this is the life you have always wanted to live.
So yes, in a way, you will achieve atleast that.

Yes, sometimes, you will still feel alone and like you have no friends because everything is changing and no one seems to understand you.
But it's okay.

New friends can be made. New things can happen. You just have to let it unfold.

I know I'm rambling. And I'm sorry.

But the point I want to make is, I know you longed for a day where you can be happy with yourself and feel proud of yourself. You just want to be happy being you. 
People can't see that you are insecure because you lie and act so well. But you know, sometimes, you hate yourself when you look into the mirror. And I understand that. And this is something you kept to yourself.

People don't understand why you won't take pictures and etc. Because they don't understand how you can't stand yourself. And that's okay.

But one day, you will be able to look into that mirror and not hate what you see. One day, you will be able to take a picture of yourself and not cringe in horror.
That day will come for you as it has for me.

But you are a work in progress. As much as so much growth and changes has happened to you and you feel so good, it's not over. There is always room for improvement.
And you will go on.

That shall be your life.
And it will be one you do not regret.

So do not give up.
So dream
So leap.

And then cry if you fall flat on your face.
Or celebrate if you achieve what you want to achieve.

Just never give up.
Keep going. Keep moving forward.
Continue to have a big heart and love.
Because people can break you but you can also mend. And that, my dear, is your biggest strength.

To be unyielding. To be strong. To remain so loving and kind despite all the pain you have gone through. To never grow bitter.

People think it's easy. So easy to remain kind and optimistic. 
But that is not true. It take strength. So much strength. And you, my dear, have that.

You are a phoenix. Ashes and flames will forged you. You can die but you will be reborn.

I have so much more to say but I will stop here because this is all you need to hear. Maybe it's too much but it is what I want to say.