Whole again.

I'm gonna warn you from the very start. This is gonna be a long post. So yea. I warned you~!
Anyway, with that out of the way, I can finally start.

This is going to be a post that I'm going to be raw and real as possible. Honestly, it's a little hard to write because it means thinking about old wounds again. But I need to do this. This is the only way I can finally let it go and be completely whole again.

I meant this to be a diary post but I decided, I might as well write it here because there is no harm in that. Because this is a story of a recovery. A story where wounds heal and you can be whole again. So this is empowering. And I think this is something the world needs more of. 

Because we hear stories of how people heal but we never hear how long they took and what it took. And how much pain they endured in that time. Because society just likes to hear the pretty part, the part where they are healed.
But of course, some people record their struggle. But not everyone do. And I'm the type who does.

So here I go.

There was a time in my life, where I can admit that I was unhappy. I wore masks and it wasn't easy. I remember being absolutely alone in my life.

It was funny back then. Because I did have friends. Friends I claimed to be close to. But despite saying that, I think deep inside I knew, we weren't friends. But for some reason, I never had guts to say otherwise. Maybe it was because I felt like they were my only friends. And to admit that meant that I had no friends. That thought was absolutely sad and scary. 

But those people weren't my friends. 

I hate to admit it but they were mean to me alot of times. So mean that when I think about it, it's hard. There are moments where I still remember clearly because I knew exactly what it meant and it was a huge blow to my self-esteem. But most of it, it was a blur because it has been years.

But I do admit that when I think of the words they said in the past or the things they did, I can still cry. Not because I am still hurt or pained by it. No. But it's like watching a movie of people doing mean things and you just think to yourself, that was so mean. No one deserved that sort of treatment. And to think that was me, that was sad.

And I will admit that my self esteem was almost completely crushed. The only reason why I could still wake up in the morning is because not every part of my self esteem was crushed. As much as I hated myself, I didn't loathe myself completely. There was still some love for myself.

People say words can't hurt you. And I would like to say, that is one complete lie. I know some people might say, you should have known that those words weren't true. You should have never let it get to you. True. But I was young back then. It was already hard enough I was always the odd one out. So when people say these things, even when I tell myself I didn't care, I actually cared.

So their words seeped in and slowly chipped off my self esteem piece by piece until all I get is large broken chunks.

And during this period, I must admit I was a total asshole. So forgive me if I ever hurt anyone in my past. I was just angry and defeated.

I was lucky. I met other people and made friends with them and they changed my world forever. For once in my life, there was color and a certain warmth. I'm forever grateful for their existence in my life. But unfortunately, I made some stupid rash decision younger and lost some of these good friends. Partly, some of it is my fault. I regret losing some of their friendship but I am forever grateful for everything they have done.

And there is nothing in the world I can do to repay them. But if they ever need my help, I will do my best to be there for them. 

Anyway, one day, I decided to have a word with these "friends" that have said so much and done some mean things to me. Well, the results weren't good. 

Eventhough I'm the one who has to live with the wounds of what they have done to me, they were the one who cut all ties with me. Unfriended me on facebook and everything. Not that it mattered to me anymore. But it did hurt me further though. And I was mad.

I was mad that I was dispensable to them despite being such a good friend to them. I was mad that they were acting like they were the hurt party. I was just so mad. But I was also guilty. Apart of me wished I never confronted them. I mean, yes, they did hurt me.

But that was in the past. Why couldn't I just let it go? Why did I have to rock the boat and create disharmony? But then later, I realized that this had to happen eventually. You cannot just let so much pain happen and have no outlet. And my outlet was that, I needed them to know that they were shitty friends.

Of course at first, I plotted my revenge and everything. But time passed and I didn't find that necessary anymore. 

I did move on eventually. But every once in a while, I got curious. I wanted to know how they were doing. Not that it mattered. But I just wanted to know if they were the same and living their lives. It's just that, their paths and my path no longer crossed and that just made me want to know what they were doing.

Every time I got curious, people thought that I missed them. I didn't. Curious, but not missing them. Because in a way, I have always been a curious cat.

Of course some people thought that I should approach them and make first contact if I was so curious. Most of all, people thought it was sad that I let this old friendship go. 

Well, here's the thing, I am not going to make the first contact. No. Why? Because why should I? And I don't really miss them in my life. I'm just living my own life. That's all. And I don't particularly want to talk to them either. It's just that sort of fleeting curiosity that will pass in good time.

But I'm going to say this, if they want to come back to my life, I am completely okay. We would need to start fresh though. A complete fresh start. A blank slate. Because our old friendship was just clogged up with too much crap and all of that needs to go.

Anyway, so for a long time, I hated myself. I didn't take pictures. I didn't do alot of things because my self esteem was just kinda shitty.

Eventhough they were out of my life, the effects of what they have done still remained with me.

But here is where it gets better.

I fought. I tried to heal myself. And this is a long, long process. I started by being kinder to myself. 

It was a struggle of course. Because some days, I wake up, and I still hate what I see in the mirror. 
But slowly, I forced myself. I forced myself to live the dreams of my life. I asked myself, what do I want to do?
What do I want out of my life?
What regret do I not want?

So slowly, I tried things out just for the fun of it. I picked up cosplay and dropped it right back. I met more people and made more friends. I went and did things that I enjoyed. I started writing again, reading and just doing things that I love.

I was rediscovering myself again. I allowed myself to feel. To cry. To express how I feel. And this time, I was lucky. I had friends. Real friends who were really there for me. 

I just literally did everything any young person would do. I went out and had loads of fun with friends. 

I was just in the process of healing. 

I wouldn't say I love myself yet but I was getting there. Atleast, there was less hate. 
And I kept telling myself how awesome I was and that, I did deserve love and I do love myself. Those were obviously lies because I didn't feel that way. But I kept saying that anyway. Because people say, one day, you might just wake up and feel that way.

And that day came.

It actually happened this week.
For once in my life, I stared at my own reflection and I didn't hate it. In fact, on the contrary, I love it. I love what I saw. And that was such a surprise.

I tested myself and took out old photos of myself. I forced myself to look at them. For the longest time, I couldn't stare looking at my photos too. But for once in my life, I didn't. I saw a person. And I saw a beautiful person. 

I was so relieved. So glad.
Finally.
It took years.
But finally, I am free. I am liberated. I am no longer in the clutches of their shadows and chains. 
I am free from their words now.

I am whole again.

And of course, I'm still an idiot once in a while, and due to this liberation, I felt curious again. I just wanted to know how they were doing. And I managed to ask some questions to someone. And I learnt that I truly was dispensable to them. It hurts to really confirm them. I mean, I knew that. But to confirm that, well, I felt a little sore.

But this has also allowed me to have closure. To bury this entire experience. To bury them in my past and let them stay there.

I think after this, I might never be curious about them again because I feel that it's over. This is my closure. It ends here. And my life continues to goes on. And it's only gonna get better. I'm only gonna live more and have fun.

I would like to thank all my friends that have stuck through me thick and thin. I would like to thank my family who have loved me despite being shitty as hell.

But I would also like to thank a person who recently only entered my life and has had so much effect in my life. He has compressed this journey and helped me end it. Because without him, this could have taken a few more years to finish. He has no idea but I still would like to thank him. 

Anyway, point is, time can heal wounds. But it takes a conscious effort.
You can be whole again.

But of course, some things never really completely go away. That's true. But that doesn't mean you can't live your life.

So yea.

Here's to everyone living the life of their dreams. Or rather, the lives that they want to live~~!