Le Futur

This is going to be long post so please forgive me.

The future is always an interesting question. 

What does the future holds? 

It's something no one really knows.

And sometimes, when I feel fatalistic, I ask myself, do I even have the right to consider tomorrow or the future? Maybe I won't live so long? After all, who knows what the future holds.

Anyhow, enough morbidity.

It's the end of the year and it's also close to the end of my undergraduate studies. I know I still have six more months to go in my undergraduate studies but time passes so fast and soon, it will all end.

So now is a good time to think of the future.

I find it funny that when I was younger, all I could think about was the future. I wanted my life to be in a certain way. I wanted a nice apartment to myself and probably working in a job that makes me rather happy and is challenging with good prospects. I will admit that I wasn't quite sure what I wanted for the future but I could admit that I imagined my life to be in a certain way.

And now, that time has come. The future is arriving soon.

Now, I realised that I'm not quite sure what I want when it comes to the details of my life. The details such as, career path and such.

I know it's crazy because some people already have their career path all planned by this stage. And kudos to them. But for me, I have no idea what I want when it comes to my career yet.

But there are certain things that I do know what I want.

I want to keep learning. I want to keep growing. I want to keep challenging myself. I want to be happy. I want the best life that I can give myself. I want to have no regrets.

I want to be able to look at my younger self in the eye and feel proud. I want to be able to smile and say, your life is yours and you lived it the best way you know how and you certainly had a lot of fun.

Recently, I watched a movie and I was extremely jealous of how this main character had a purpose in life that he distinctly knew since he was a child. I was absolutely jealous because until now, I have no such driving purpose. I do not know the purpose of my existence.

And this very question, the purpose of my existence, has driven me crazy.

In the past, I was so impatient. I wanted to prove something. To prove my own existence and that it was valid. And I was severely disappointed as each year gone by because I have not contributed to humanity in any way. All I was, is a parasite. Taking the world resources and contributing to more pain because I was not a kind person due to my frustration at my uselessness.

I was terribly harsh on myself.

And for a long time, I compared myself. I wondered why I was so useless? Why couldn't I be something more? I wanted to be a mover and shaker of the world but I didn't know how. I felt stuck and I felt useless. It was a horrible time.

As I grew older, I learnt that it was pointless to compare.

Slowly, I began to accept that just because I'm not a mover and shaker of the world now doesn't mean I will never be. Be patient, I told myself. One step at a time.

As more time passes, I learnt that everyone has a different definition of success. Just because one lead a quiet life doesn't mean one's life was not productive and useless.

So I learnt to redefine success.

For a long time, success to me, meant money and fame. Hence, those were things that I wanted for a long, long time.

But now, I wouldn't make those things my priorities anymore.

For me, success meant happiness. It meant being able to look back with pride and no regrets.

So now, even if I never became famous or insanely rich, I'll be okay with it. What matters is, I'm absolutely happy.

What makes me happy?

To be able to live my own life, my way.

To be able to constantly learn from the world.

To be able to be kind.

To be able to see magic and have a heart of a child.

To be able to help.

To be able to decide to be happy no matter what the circumstance is.

And right now, these will be the values that dictate my life. Unless of course, I want to change them.

But honestly, if I ever become rich, I would love to use that money to help people get an education.

If there is one thing I believe in, it's education.

I believe that education sets your soul free.

Education gives you opportunities and a mindset.

Education shows you that you can choose how you want to perceive the world and may that give you peace.

So yes, I would very much love to give everyone, no matter race or status, the same sort of education. So that everyone can stand tall and think for themselves. This has always been a silent goal of mine for a distant probable future