Raw Past.

This post might be long, raw and real. Just a warning. I just heard songs and it reminded of my past. Or rather, what I used to be.

The song talked about having anger. I remember having loads of anger when I was younger. I never quite understood it. It's not like I had a bad family. I didn't and they love me and everything.
But anger was real.
It was like there was a fire in my chest. 
I was just angry.

And honestly, I hated being angry. Because that is when I would make the most stupid decision. I have always regretted every decision I made in anger.

I never understood why I had so much anger.
Anger was like my primary emotion. I didn't get sad when people hurt me. I get angry. Anything happens, anger would come out. 

And in this world, it seemed like anger was a bad emotion. So I hated myself for having so much of it. For not being able to control it. When I was younger, anger was like fire. It only spread everywhere and I watched it burn. I could do nothing to stop it.

It's like watching yourself burning things. You are staring at yourself and you are yelling, begging to stop. But the one burning isn't listening. There was nothing you could do but stare at the damage you caused.

I hated my anger for a long time. The world didn't like people with anger. Or worse, little girls aren't supposed to be angry. They are supposed to be happy little angels. But I wasn't. I was angry. Angry all the time. What was I angry at? I had no idea and I never figured it out. 

So I got good at wearing a mask. Building walls and putting people at a distance. Because no one wants to see anger. It's ugly. So I hide it deep it inside me. But I was young so I didn't have much control. So I was still angry. So every once in a while, the anger will flare out. People will be surprised and I would hate myself so much for flaring out because I should have control over my own anger.

Those were hard times. But lucky me, I watched shows and there were a few characters on TV or movies that had anger like me. So much anger. And for once in my life, I didn't feel so alone. Because like me, they hated their anger and had no idea to control it.

But the past was hard for me. Because as a young person, my emotions were everywhere and I didn't know how to handle that. 

What made things worse were, I was trying so hard to fit in. 
But clearly, I didn't fit in at all.
People said many things about me and it weren't nice.

If you ask me now, I can't remember their exact words or who said these words. But I just remember hearing them. I remember how I had to pretend to smile and pretend it didn't hurt. I had to pretend I didn't hear or that I didn't understand. 

So I wore an even thicker mask. Build taller walls. And hide inside them. Because it was safer in there and no one could hurt me if they didn't know my weakness. I constantly told myself, "Don't let them see you hurt. Don't let them see you cry. Don't let them see you sad. Don't let them win." 

I was just good at pretending that I was alright despite the fact that my self esteem corroded. I hated myself back then.

But no matter how much I hated myself, my self esteem wasn't destroyed completely. Because no matter what, I knew one thing about myself. I was going to go places. I was going to make it big. I would be successful in the future. So successful that they would regret ever being mean to me.

Personally, to me, this doesn't matter now. I just want to find happiness in my life. Live the life I always dreamed of. 

Good thing is, high school ended.

And Alevels begun. In Alevels, I got a fresh start. So I decided to go differently. Be a different person. Be who I want to be but never got to become back in high school.

It was great in Alevels. I learnt more about myself and found wonderful friends that would support me.
Ever since then, I kept working at my own recovery. I learnt to love myself alot more. I also learn to love people and my life. 

So yea.

What I am trying to say is, life will suck and it will have hard times. But you will be alright. You can get better. I certainly did.

This smile, this upbeat positive attitude I have, it did not come because I didn't have hardship. But it was because I did have. I choose to be positive and happy. Because that's how I want to live the rest of my life.