Again.

Just when things keeps going up and I think it was impossible for things to a turn that I didn't like.
And it just did.

Maybe this is a lesson to me, that no matter how much you grow, mistakes will still be made. 

But for me, I am just disappointed in myself. This mistakes feels like I'm back to square one. It's as if all the progress have been wiped out. It's feels like I'm back there. 

I know that I will always struggle with expression and holding my tongue. That will always be a problem of mine. Maybe it's a mistake to even use a social media device as a place to unload all your thoughts. I have always done it and it has caused some problems for me even in the past. 
But I guess, like people said, bad habits die hard. Especially when you start to rely on it to allow yourself to sort out your own thoughts or to let it go.

I am aware that I will have to accept and live with the consequences. I get that.

But I am just severely disappointed with myself. 

A long time ago, I told myself, no more. No more burning bridges. No more destructions. 

Yet, here I am again. Staring at embers that could spread and turn into a huge fire, burning everything again.

I'm tired of this destruction power of mine. I'm tired of how I can burn everything down. I am just tired.

How many more things do I want to burn? How many more ashes of regrets can I hold? Personally, I don't think I can carry anymore.

I'm tired of watching it all burn. I'm tired of closing another door. I'm tired of having another baggage. I'm tired of having another ghost haunt me.

It's hard to live when you have so much restrictions in your head. You can't open a door. You can't go back to the past because all that's there is just regrets. 
I know it's possible to set yourself free from all the ghosts and baggage in your mind.

But it's not easy.

And even if you can set yourself free, doesn't mean they can.

I have a mind that travels many thoughts quickly. One look and I might think about the past and how good it was. Or even worse, I could think about what I lost and what could have been. 

Personally, that's the hardest for me to overcome. To deal with the lost of what could have been. To deal with the loss of it all. 

I have never been good at let go. It's something I completely suck at it. 
I will prefer comfort. I will always prefer familiarity. This is a programme I constantly have to push in my head. To tell myself to get out of it. To tell myself to push myself.

But no matter what happens, I would have to deal with the consequences. 

And I would have to just trust the universe that maybe this is the best for me even though, of course, I don't feel this way. Even though I feel like I'm being torn apart.