Vulnerabilities

Being vulnerable is sometimes difficult.

A friend of mine said, being vulnerable with other people is sometimes difficult.
But for me, that's not my problem.

I am comfortable with being vulnerable with other people if I,myself, is comfortable with being vulnerable with myself.

So obviously, my problem is being vulnerable with myself.

I know some people might wonder why being vulnerable with myself is difficult.

I suppose this has something to do.

Although I understand that I'm very human and I'm absolutely flawed, it still hard to understand some of my own flaws.

Because for me, being vulnerable with myself means looking at my fears. 
What do I fear?

And for a long time, I don't like acknowledging my fear.
Because fear is an ugly emotion to me and it's something I was never fond of.
So although I had loads of fear in the past, I prefer just being overdramatic and pretending that it doesn't exist. I prefer lying to myself, saying that I don't know rather than finding out why in terms of fear.

Fear is scary to me.
Because as an idealist and an optimist, fear somehow just is completely uncomfortable.
Maybe because fear can threaten to destroy that idealism and optimism that you carry out.

So I rather pretend the fear doesn't exist or that I have no idea about it and morph into something else like frustration than to look at it head on.

I'm generally comfortable with myself.

I get that my emotions are often volatile and I react strongly sometimes. 
Although sometimes this can get annoying or tiring, I'm still learning to handle this.

But recently, fear has been knocking on my door again.
And when I look at it in its eyes, I see everything that I fear most.
And I guess that's the scary part.
To admit you're scared.
To admit that you're fearful.

Maybe because I feel that I admit it, I feel like, I am allowing this fear to take hold of me and that maybe, it might occur.

So perhaps this is why I prefer to close my eyes, pretend it's not tailing me and go on with my day, trying to be more optimistic and idealistic.

But like all ghosts that haunts you, you can see it in the corner of your eye every time you turn. It's there.
And all the optimism and idealism. That's just a lie to pretend it's not there.
You're tiring yourself out over something so silly because doing this often will lead to a break down.

Because there's only so long you can pretend and lie to yourself. 
Because pretending to be okay is sometimes harder than it seems. 

I know I still have problems here.
But I have to admit that I'm afraid.
And most of all, I have to admit that it's okay to be afraid.

That way I don't have to pretend anymore.
I can just accept my fear.
And move on.

Take actions to make sure it doesn't happen rather than pretend that's not there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not easy to be vulnerable with yourself. It's sometimes not easy to be real with yourself.

But the only person that really matters is you. So you gotta learn to be comfortable with yourself.