Of youth, dreams and darkness

Stare at the abyss below. Look at the stars above you. Now take a deep breath and jump. 

So I did.

Or rather I will.

My current job is under a one year contract and I just told my supervisor that I won't be renewing my contract or accepting the permanent job that is offered here.

This means, in about two weeks, I would be unemployed.

True, it's scary to do so. But I decided that I want to look for another job. Of course the main fear would be, what if no one wants to employ me at all. And honestly, does that scare me? Absolutely.  

Let me just say that I have been relatively stressed for a few weeks now because the clock ticks and yet, I have no job offers yet. And I'm simply afraid.

However, ever since I told my supervisor, I felt somehow liberated. Yes, the fear is there but yet, there's a huge underlying feeling where things are just gonna be okay. I don't know how but I feel it in my bones.

I have no idea what kind of future jobs will come my way. But to be honest, I think there's nothing wrong with taking time off to reevaluate your life. To see if this is where you want to go.

I'm really big with personal happiness. So it doesn't matter what people wants. The question is, what do you want?

And true, it's complicated because we all want so much. Or worse, we don't know what we want. 

But I really do believe in taking our time and figuring it all out. We have a lifetime ahead of us. Might as well try to enjoy the ride.

So now, all I can do is to apply for more jobs.

So I will plunge soon and although it's scary, I'm glad I'm doing it.

I'm still young. I have time on my side. Most of all, I feel like I'm in charge of my life. I feel empowered because since I don't like my current job scope, I'm actually stopping and taking time to figure my personal interests and liking.

Like I have always said, this is our life. We should figure it out.

I must admit my privilege though no matter how small it is. I must admit that I am fortunate to have a family who will look after me in my unemployment period. I do feel slightly guilty for becoming a burden soon. But I think it'll be better to be a burden now than to be an angry, upset and dead in my heart. Because when I'm in a bad mood, I'm absolutely a horrible person towards people and that includes my family.

Hence, I wouldn't want that.

Well, I truly am not sure how things are going to turn out but I'm optimistic nonetheless.

Although years have passed since I turned 16, I can only do what my 16 year old self did which is dream.

I can only continue being optimistic and dreaming of the future that I want.

Only difference is now, I can also work towards this future. 

As I write this, I'm listening to a song. I hope, just like this song, I will arrive to the place I want to be in. Or rather, there's a place for me in the future, just waiting for me. Just for me.

And so, I close my eyes. Hold my heart. Pray for the best. And continue moving forward.