All the bright places and what it made me think of.

I just finished reading All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven.

And my, it made me think of so so many things.
Where do I even begin?

First and foremost, it reminded me of high school and youth.
It's been a long time since I read a book that made me reflect about my own past as well because this book related to me.

Let's start with high school and youth.

The characters are young and are in high school. They reminded me of my time in high school. They reminded me of how high school is a mess. I wonder why puberty can be such a pain in the ass.

Just like the characters, I have felt very strongly. Everything was so emotionally charged back then.

High school to me, was bittersweet. I had good memories and bad memories.

Just like Finch, I know what it's like to be called weird. Or a freak. So when those words echoed in the book, I could feel it cut through me. And suddenly, there I was again. 14 years old. Standing in my class. People saying those words. And I smile like I always do, trying to hide my upset feelings.  

As I read this, I wondered why was high school such a messy time. I was in such emotional turmoil and I didn't even know who I was. It was just a mess. It's puberty I guess but it was so messy.

I hated how the story would go for Finch because of the way he was going. His family was non existent in terms of emotional support. He was unwilling to open up. And most of all, he was afraid of himself.

I understood how he felt. I used to feel this way too a long time ago. I played the same way Finch played it. I was a weirdo. I might as well, play the part. So I acted like it didn't hurt me. Like I didn't care. Finch did this too.

And just like me, Finch was just a scared child who wanted some love, attention and acceptance.

As I kept reading, I kept shaking my head at Finch. NO FINCH. NOT LIKE THAT. 

And then as it progressed, I like how it turned to Violet. How it showed that he helped Violet heal. How he show her the world. How the world wasn't too bad a place.

I had that too in high school. It was a friend who showed me the world. She showed me that it was alright to be who I am. She showed me that if the world sucked, it didn't matter because we could create our own world. And we created our own world.

Even as I think of those times, I would always think of it fondly. 

No matter how much time have passed, I will always say, she changed my life. Everything that I am is because of her.

Some people always think I'm exaggerating but it's true.

I started writing again because she's the one who told me, why not? 
I watched the shows that I watched because we would watch it together and discuss it.
I started singing again because she played the piano and wouldn't take no for an answer.

I was too afraid for a long time because the people who calls me names won for a moment. And I didn't dare.
But she came along and smacked the fear out of me by simply saying, why not?

We were weird. So might as well do the things we like and we did.

But unfortunately, our friendship didn't last. But I didn't lose her the way Violet lost Finch.

But I understand loss. She and I parted ways. Never to see or speak each other again. And so that is all that remains of our friendship. Memories. They were good memories to me. But I don't know what they are to her. And it doesn't matter.

So when Finch killed himself, I was just as mad as Violet. Why? Same question.

But I'm glad to see the way Violet handled it. Sometimes it's better way. Sometimes we tell stories to cope. And that's alright.

It's been so long since I read a book that allowed me to delve like this. It did feel surreal. Because as much as I was in the story, I was reflective on my own life alot. 

But the words sink in so easily into me. I haven't read a book that felt so natural in such a long time. It's nice.

And maybe this is why I love reading. The entire just sinking into their world with ease is such a joy to me.

I'm sad that the book is over. That Finch is dead and Violet will have to wander on her own and move forward. But that's really the only way to live.

But despite it all, this book reminds me of youth so much that it made me realise that, I have forgotten to be carefree.

Maybe from now onwards, I'll be more carefree. Smell the roses. Be present. Look at the sky. Wander the way Finch did. 

If anything, this book made me feel youthful. I started dancing again like a child and it feels good.

Therefore, despite it all, I can take one good thing away from it. Youth. Maybe it's time I be youthful again.