The Tales of Carmensakura

I'm gonna warn you from the very start. This is gonna be a long post. So yea. I warned you~! Anyway, with that out of the way, I can finally start. This is going to be a post that I'm going to be raw and real as possible. Honestly, it's a little hard to write because it means thinking about old wounds again. But I need to do this. This is the only way I can finally let it go and be completely whole again. I meant this to be a diary post but I decided, I might as well write it here because there is no harm in that. Because this is a story of a recovery. A story where wounds heal and you can be whole again. So this is empowering. And I think this is something the world needs more of.  Because we hear stories of how people heal but we never hear how long they took and what it took. And how much pain they endured in that time. Because society just likes to hear the pretty part, the part where they are healed. But of course, some people record their struggle. But not ...

My friend wrote a letter to her past self. And it made me want to write a letter to my past self. There are things that I want to tell my 16 year old self and even my 19 year old self. And this is a warning, this is gonna be a long post. So here goes :  Hello there, it's me from the future. I have so much to say to you. For a long time, I never really wanted to say much to you, even if I could because then, I would ruin the fun. Plus, you need to grow from each experience. And I do not want to ruin that growth by giving you clues or hints. But I think, once in a while, we need encouragement and I guess this is what this is about. I understand things don't make much sense. I understand that you feel completely alone sometimes. I understand. Most of all, I get that you are scared. So very scared. You are afraid to take that leap. What if you fall? What if nothing ever turns out the way you want it to? What if you dream so hard only to fall hard on your face? ...

Everything is finally falling into place. Things are finally making sense. Every pain, every tear and every sadness I ever had is starting to make sense. All those time when I sad, but I just continued with my life, with a hope that slowly everything will pay off and everything will make sense one day.  And now, it's happening. I'm not saying that my life is completely perfect. It's not. But I am happy. I am looking at my life and I am liking where I am. I am liking everything about my life so far. Funny thing is, all this will change soon because I will graduate soon. So everything will change. Why am I saying that everything makes sense? I guess I am being rewarded for my patience, pain and faith all this time. Almost every single aspect of my life is good right now.  Except for one. My physical body. Well, that's nothing much. I just need to start working out and eating right. So I wish the haze would go away so that I can start working o...

I have alot of thoughts. It has always been like that. My mind is like an explosions of thoughts. But over the years, I have learnt to zoom in on one thought and focus on that. So, sometimes, it feels like I only have one thought. But I actually, that's untrue, because the moment I stop zooming in, I see the other thoughts just exploding next to each other. Anyhow, lately, I have alot of thoughts in my head. Decisions to make. Emotions to be felt. And studies to be taken care of. So I'm just feeling slightly overwhelmed. Please just allow me to sort them out here bit by bit. Thus, this will be a long post and I'm sorry. 1. Dental I just came back from the dentists on my wisdom teeth. Ugh. Why did they ever call it wisdom teeth? Anyway, they aren't wise. And they give me a headache. But that's not the point. I consulted the dentist about braces. Should I get it? It's been years now and every once in a while, I would think about getting bra...

I realize that I have a hard time with endings. Why do I say that? Well, I am now in year 3. This is my final year as an undergraduate student if all goes well. And I must admit, I been feeling rather sad. The reason for this is because I know I will miss all of this. Every single thing and moment. I will miss my crazy year 1 where I nearly had a break down. I will miss all the crazy fun moments I have with my classmates. I will miss my calmer hardworking year 2. For me, my undergraduate years have been one of the best times of my life. I feel like I am alive and I feel so glad to be alive.  For once in my life, I don't want time to pass so fast. I want to enjoy every single moment. But sadly, time moves onwards, waiting for no one. For me, these years, it felt like the summer of my life. Wind in my hair, sun on my skin and the cold wind on my skin. It has been exhilarating so far. And everything has been wonderful despite the good and bad times. And I kn...

I dislike politics highly. Because it's messy and politicians say crap. Most of all, it's very heated. People get angry and opinions gets thrown around like they are facts. No one talks about facts. No one is rational. Everyone is just mad. And that's why I dislike it. It will be nice if we can discuss matters of a country rationally. We need to be calm. After all, matters of a country is a big deal. But the way it is done, I feel like this is a messy system. Sometimes, I feel like this system is not helping. Maybe we need a better system. Oh well.

University started. And so, just like that, my life is in full swing again. Starting to study again after a long break is a little tough. Because you are totally out of shape and out of the groove. And the only way to get into shape and in the groove is to forcefully keep studying and forcing yourself to focus. Eventually, you will get into that groove. But for now, I can say that I'm not really into the studying mood yet but yet, I force myself to study because I have to. Anyway, the thought of my career have entered my mind quite a few times. So I thought hard about what I wanted to do after I want. At first, I was afraid. What do I do? What can I do? What am I good at? What do I want? So many questions. No answers.  But then the more I went further into what my career should be, the more I realize one thing. I can literally do whatever I want. The world is my stage and I'll play it as much and as hard as I can. And just like that, I stopped worrying....