The Tales of Carmensakura

First of all, I want to apologize for not updating lately. Time just slips through my fingers and I usually find myself to tired to write because my mind is spinning from too much thoughts. But despite that, writing is always good for me. It's in my most tired and busiest moments, I find that is when I must write. Although that's not what I always do but when I do get around to do it, I do feel very much relieved. Anyway, 2017 is ending. And good riddance to this year. This hasn't been the best year for me.   So yea, I just want it to end And I just hope that next year would be a better year.  

Let's talk about anxiety because it's something I have. It's something I had since I was a child. I never really knew I had it. It's only much older that I look at anxiety and realise, oh, that is anxiety. My family never acted like I was too weird. They just think it's me thinking too much. But the good thing is, they never told me to stop thinking. Instead they tell me to try to calm down. In today's world, more and more people are coming out to talk about anxiety and that's a good thing. Luckily for me, I was never made to be too weird. And I learnt some pretty good coping mechanism. But not everyone is as lucky as me though. Anxiety is definitely not easy. When anxiety hits, it's hard to think or even breathe. It feels so real and even painful. Your hearts beats hard. Your mind runs fast. You find yourself finding it hard to breathe. Your vision blurs. You're trembling. Tears might be running down your eyes. So when peop...

So I have been in my home department for almost a month. It's easy to turn to my colleague and go, oh, I would like that job. I would love to do that. It's very ENFP of me. But I refuse. Some people been saying that I might just drown because it's technical. And on some days, even I kick the dust in the air and go, ah, why is this so complicated? But at the end of the day, I will persist. At the end of the day, I won't drown. I will float. I will add value. And I will be better. And I will continue to grow. But most of all, I am enjoying myself. I am enjoying learning. I am enjoying being in this place, knowing that I am able to finally start my career path properly again. Knowing that I am in a good starting point. And I will work hard to get to where I want. And that makes me so radiant and confident.

I am slowly turning this blog into a diary. And personally, I am fine with that. Diary. Blogs. Journals.  They are all the same. They are simply a place of expressions. Only difference is, here, it's for all to see. Whereas diaries and journals are hidden in my bedroom for my eyes only. But since I'm trying to practice honest living. Writing here isn't a bad start. To be honest, living honestly is definitely difficult. Why? My values are clearly so different from the people around me. And because of that, it creates alot of friction. Since I decided to live honestly, I am less willing to hide or pretend. So I wear my heart and opinions on the sleeves and that turns the frictions into arguments.  I still live with my parents. And I'm Asian. Meaning? Asian parents have a way with them. It's always about following their rules. Whether or not it makes any sense. Being a person who always had my own thoughts and opinions, it's difficult ...

So it's been a week and a half since I came back to my home department. Initially, I was worried that I would dislike it but at the same time, I was trying to be optimistic. Well, luckily for me, so far I like what I see. I definitely have a lot to learn. But it looks like alot of fun. To search out data and try to analyse them. To design the promotions in the system. Honestly, that's the things that I have been exposed to.  I also need to learn SQL. It's something like a coding language.  It reminds me of my past and how some things just come back to you in the end. Back in high school, I used to help lazy ass people beautify their friendster profile and blogs using HTML coding. I knew only simple basic ones or the decorative ones. I took a long time to learn those.  Although I did feel that was so cool back then, I didn't continue with learning it. WHY? Because it felt that I took too long to learn something basic. Thus, to be really g...

Just yesterday I bumped into an old friend in a forum that I was attending.  In the past, he and I were very good friends. At one point in my life, we were on the phone every day for hours. We joked, talked and teased. And in those moments, I felt like he was a good close friend of mine. We weren't from the same school so I dare not assume that I was his good close friend. But due to my lack of good high school experiences, he felt like a good close friend to me. This is something I never said to him. However, at this age, I always felt our friendship would go on and on.  Although nothing terrible happened to our friendship but time and distance took its toll. We just got so caught up with our lives, dreams and goals that we spoke less and less. And soon, we spoke none at all. Years passed and we were out of each other lives. When I saw him, it felt a little unreal. I recognized him.  But he looked different. Somewhat older and taller. We smiled at each o...

Well, my training in the branch attachment is over. This means that work wise, my honeymoon period is over. To be honest, the branch attachment has been a honeymoon period because all I did was observe how a branch function, take note of it and then write a report about it. Technically, I haven't really started working. So now, this honeymoon period is over.  And honestly, I am worried about going back to my real department where my real work start. I'm worried that it may be boring because it will be a back end job about data. So that means there will be loads of staring at the computer and loads of data while being surrounded by technical work. I haven't never been a technical person and I get bored easily thus, I worry. However, I can take this as a challenge. To challenge myself to focus on more technical things. To stop being so bored easily. To focus.  Other than that, in the long run, I know this career will be good for me because I have a feelin...