The Tales of Carmensakura

This might be a long one and I am sorry. I don't think adulthood is really that bad.  But despite that, I won't say it wasn't hard. As I have said before, last year wasn't a great year for me. I was angry, upset and frustrated. I was full of anxiety and fear. I was a complete nervous wreck. But that was because I was definitely focusing on the wrong things. I was only looking at my unfortunate circumstances And how they were disadvantage. Compared to other privileged people, I was behind. It felt like I had weights in a marathon race. I was angry. And it was easier to blame the world. But as time goes by, anger just wears you down. And I was getting emotionally tired. Somehow, my rationality kicked in.  And that changed my entire perspective. I begun to realise that my circumstances didn't define me. I begun to realise that just because I had weights tied to me, doesn't mean I can't slowly build the stamina to run just as fast. Y...

2018 started. And to be honest, since it's the beginning of the year and I'm determined to make it a good one, things feel good. I started reading again, exercising and even cooked a bit. Even attended an academic economic talk. So all in all, I feel like I'm starting out the year right. That made me feel rather good.   But then my boss called me to speak to me. And she told me that she feels that I'm struggling. I guess I don't like this statement. The reason for this is because I don't want to give her a bad impression and it feels like she does. I feel that I must change that. So I now, I tell myself, I got to do better at my work. I got to show her that I'm good for this. I got to be the best that I can be. So yea, in a way, I do feel motivated. I must admit that I am lucky to have a good boss. She actually talks to me because she didn't want me to be frustrated or feel alienated since I sit far away from the team and I am the newest m...

Well, the first week of 2018 just passed. And honestly, I think it started relatively well for me. Although job wise, I'm pretty busy but I enjoy what I do at work currently so it's all good. To think at one point, I was worried about my work getting routinely boring but now, I realised that I have so so much more to learn. So it'll probably take a while before my work gets routinely boring. Most of all, I find that I enjoy dealing with data and all these technical stuff. It's kinda cool actually. So yea. That's a good thing.  Atleast for now, I can tick job satisfaction off the list. And today, just to start my exercise ball rolling, I went for a run. I went to a park in the middle of the city and it's definitely one of my favourite parks to run it.  Being in the city reminded me of how much I love the city. I am definitely a city girl. I was born and bred in the city. I have always love the vibrant city. I love how it's constantly moving...

First of all, I want to apologize for not updating lately. Time just slips through my fingers and I usually find myself to tired to write because my mind is spinning from too much thoughts. But despite that, writing is always good for me. It's in my most tired and busiest moments, I find that is when I must write. Although that's not what I always do but when I do get around to do it, I do feel very much relieved. Anyway, 2017 is ending. And good riddance to this year. This hasn't been the best year for me.   So yea, I just want it to end And I just hope that next year would be a better year.  

Let's talk about anxiety because it's something I have. It's something I had since I was a child. I never really knew I had it. It's only much older that I look at anxiety and realise, oh, that is anxiety. My family never acted like I was too weird. They just think it's me thinking too much. But the good thing is, they never told me to stop thinking. Instead they tell me to try to calm down. In today's world, more and more people are coming out to talk about anxiety and that's a good thing. Luckily for me, I was never made to be too weird. And I learnt some pretty good coping mechanism. But not everyone is as lucky as me though. Anxiety is definitely not easy. When anxiety hits, it's hard to think or even breathe. It feels so real and even painful. Your hearts beats hard. Your mind runs fast. You find yourself finding it hard to breathe. Your vision blurs. You're trembling. Tears might be running down your eyes. So when peop...

So I have been in my home department for almost a month. It's easy to turn to my colleague and go, oh, I would like that job. I would love to do that. It's very ENFP of me. But I refuse. Some people been saying that I might just drown because it's technical. And on some days, even I kick the dust in the air and go, ah, why is this so complicated? But at the end of the day, I will persist. At the end of the day, I won't drown. I will float. I will add value. And I will be better. And I will continue to grow. But most of all, I am enjoying myself. I am enjoying learning. I am enjoying being in this place, knowing that I am able to finally start my career path properly again. Knowing that I am in a good starting point. And I will work hard to get to where I want. And that makes me so radiant and confident.

I am slowly turning this blog into a diary. And personally, I am fine with that. Diary. Blogs. Journals.  They are all the same. They are simply a place of expressions. Only difference is, here, it's for all to see. Whereas diaries and journals are hidden in my bedroom for my eyes only. But since I'm trying to practice honest living. Writing here isn't a bad start. To be honest, living honestly is definitely difficult. Why? My values are clearly so different from the people around me. And because of that, it creates alot of friction. Since I decided to live honestly, I am less willing to hide or pretend. So I wear my heart and opinions on the sleeves and that turns the frictions into arguments.  I still live with my parents. And I'm Asian. Meaning? Asian parents have a way with them. It's always about following their rules. Whether or not it makes any sense. Being a person who always had my own thoughts and opinions, it's difficult ...