The Tales of Carmensakura

Let's talk about mental health. Alot of people have been in a lockdown and it must affect some of us. Personally, I have always been someone who gets anxious pretty easily. Hence, even before the lockdown, I downloaded some apps to help with my mental health. Initially, I downloaded youper. I even paid for the premium one because the free version was so limiting. You can go the Youper website here to download it. This app is available in both ios and android. Yes, be aware that the free version is very limiting. How is it? I been using it for a while. Some days it's helpful. Other days it isn't. I generally just use it as a place to vent my frustration sometimes because it has the AI chat. However, sometimes it doesn't help because as AI chats go, they aren't very smart. But checking in each day, to rate how I feel has helped me realise that emotions are a very fickle thing. When I was younger, I value emotions very highly. Maybe because I...

So Apple just announced the new iphone SE. And man....... what can I say. I bought the iphone 11 last year. My iphone 6S only had 16gb and that shit was getting annoying. But the two reason why I bought it was because :  1) It's brand new so I know it'll be supported for the next 5 years (yes, I intend to use it for 5 years) 2) For its camera (I wanted a good camera on my phone just to see what I could do with it.) Six months into the iphone 11 and I'll say that it's a solid phone. It works wonderfully. But that's not to say I don't have issues with it.  I have small hands so I prefer a smaller phone but I compromised on this because well, it's brand new and I just thought it should be alright.  Since it's a bigger phone, it's also heavier. Pro and cons to this. The weight makes it feel more premium but it also hurts my arm. Yea, I have zero arm strength. The phone also gets a little warm but then again, I think that's norma...

We are in lockdown. I think most of the world is in lockdown.  I am an essential worker so the company that I'm working at is still operating. Most people would have already either started working from home or just not working at all. At first, for me, I could still go into office.  However, as the lockdown goes on, my boss felt bad for me and tried to arrange me to work from home. But unfortunately, my work requires system access and hence, that can only be accessed in office.  So I can't work from home completely. In the end, my boss arranged for me to be on rotation. One day, I work from home and the other day, I work from office.  I only started working from home recently.  To be honest, maybe I'm someone who requires the routine and this whole rotation thing is making me confused. Or maybe, I haven't been working from home long enough to get used to this yet. But honestly, so far, I'll say, working from home is not for me. I know a...

I just finished reading All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven. And my, it made me think of so so many things. Where do I even begin? First and foremost, it reminded me of high school and youth. It's been a long time since I read a book that made me reflect about my own past as well because this book related to me. Let's start with high school and youth. The characters are young and are in high school. They reminded me of my time in high school. They reminded me of how high school is a mess. I wonder why puberty can be such a pain in the ass. Just like the characters, I have felt very strongly. Everything was so emotionally charged back then. High school to me, was bittersweet. I had good memories and bad memories. Just like Finch, I know what it's like to be called weird . Or a freak . So when those words echoed in the book, I could feel it cut through me. And suddenly, there I was again. 14 years old. Standing in my class. People saying those words. A...

The lockdown is here. And it's great that some people are staying home, starting projects or doing things they always wanted to try out. I envy that slightly. I still have to go to work so I don't have that luxury of time that everyone seems to have right now. But also, I have anxiety. I been at home during the weekends and wow, I feel even more anxious at home without anything to distract me. Atleast at work, I have work to distract me. So when I see posts that go, instead of being anxious, go start a project or do things that you always want to do, only pisses me off. Do you know how anxiety works? Because that's not it. Anxiety is like having that voice at the back of your head, just going off. Imagine an alarm going off. Anxiety is an alarm. Yes, you can ignore that alarm for a while. But it's still there. So all these advice such as go do something you like, it's not very helpful.  I can't do anything I like right now. I just want it...

I haven't blogged in a while because I kinda forgot to blog. Plus, I found it hard to blog lately. I used to use blogging as an online journal but lately, I found out that when I blogged now, it was usually the polished version of my thoughts which made it feel a little fake. So because of that, I stopped for a while. I thought it would be better to be writing in my real journal where I could be real and raw. Get as ugly as I can. I don't think I can ever be as real and raw here. It feels too exposed here because everyone in the internet can read it. Although that's unlikely because I don't get much hits here though. Anyway, I thought I should blog in these monumental times because what's happening today is unprecedented. It's in a way, history in the making. Anyway, thanks to the Covid19, my country is in lockdown. Unfortunately for me, I don't feel much of the effects because I still go to work. I work in the essential services so I'm allowed ...

With 2019 being a sucky year for me, I'm really trying hard to avoid that this year. But the start of the new year was definitely rushed for me. Chinese New Year was at the end of January and so, there were things that I needed to do during that period such as cleaning up and preparing for the Chinese New Year. Then it ended. And now, even February have passed. So far, I have atleast started on three goals which are starting an exercise routine, reading and starting to cook. So that's good. Atleast I started on those. To be honest, despite atleast starting those. I am still struggling. I find time just going past so fast and I will just turn around going, man what have I done? It's hard. It's hard balancing just resting and getting things done. It feels like that there isn't enough time. I guess I am afraid that if I fall into this stagnant phase where I just live day by day. Working and just rotting at home by watching tv. Maybe I'm ...